FanDuel - WFBC

December 05, 2008

Greg Maddux to retire on Monday: Maddux has been my favorite pitcher of the last 20 years. He never had dominating stuff in the traditional sense, but he was just so dang smart in choosing his pitches that he could oftentimes seem unhittable. I will miss seeing him against my Rockies in the NL West.

posted by drumdance to baseball at 06:22 PM - 30 comments

He's not retiring from killing prostitutes is he?

posted by NoMich at 06:59 PM on December 05

I'm sure you will miss seeing him against your team because he hasn't been very good in the last 5-7 years. I guess it just shows you how hard it is to find a decent major league pitcher. Maddux could still find a roster spot if he wanted to pitch for the next 5 seasons, even if he had a losing record each year.

Other than that, I have nothing but great/bad memories of Maddux pitching for the Cubs and Braves in the post-season. He is a definite hall of famer in my book. Even if he did kill and dismember a prostitute or too, who hasn't?

posted by docshredder at 07:19 PM on December 05

killing prostitutes?

posted by jasonspaceman at 09:32 PM on December 05

Now he has all the free time he needs to travel the country. See all it's beautiful sites without the busy major league schedule he has had to endure. Get away from the prying eyes of the press and sports journalists. Maybe even see more of the world at large. I'm certain that Europe and Asia have many points of interest for a fella like Greg to see. Explore. Learn about local customs.

And slay the transient and forgotten local citizenry unabated. We are in for dark times as his unfettered blood lust washes over the lands.

posted by THX-1138 at 10:30 PM on December 05

I see Maddux as a lifer - he really enjoys being around the game, and I bet he takes a job with the Cubs or Braves as a roving minor league instructor. Everybody talks about how they like to sit with him in the dugout on the days he doesn't pitch, just to hear him talk about how the game is going and how he would approach each at bat.

He's got a ton of knowledge to pass along to the kids - how to approach a batter's strengths and weaknesses, how to get the most out of a so-so fastball, how to field the position, how to chop off the hands to delay identification of the body, etc.

posted by mbd1 at 11:25 PM on December 05

The poor people who are reading this discussion who never heard about Maddux's dark side. I worry about what they're going to think when they learn the truth.

posted by beaverboard at 11:46 PM on December 05

wow. this is huge news! if you like a good hooker you bettter get out there now. with all the free time maddux is about to have i'm guessing prostitution in the u.s. is a thing of the past in a couple years.

posted by DudeDykstra at 12:58 AM on December 06

The streets will now run red with blood. Congrats to Greg Maddux on a fantastic career.

posted by Ying Yang Mafia at 01:51 AM on December 06

Gosh THX, you held that in about as long as you could. Nice job.

/currently formatting plotter to cut additional "Greg Maddux is a Sith" stickers, also know as the THX special.

posted by BoKnows at 01:57 AM on December 06

You guys are total A-HOLES! I don't where this rumor started.

Greg Maddux has been nothing but a model citizen and a shining example to other would-be prostitute slayers across the nation. All this nasty talk about his "pitching career" is totally unfounded. He's been murdering prostitutes his entire life and has had no time for anything else.

posted by bluesdog at 02:49 AM on December 06

I wouldn't say he's been a great pitcher the last few years, but he was a solid contributor at the back end of the rotation. He won (yet another) Gold Glove in '07, which kinda sorta made up for his inability to hold runners on first.

And yeah, he seems like a lifer. Supposedly he once called a game from the dugout for Brad Penny (scroll about halfway down the page).

posted by drumdance at 02:54 AM on December 06

Greatest Greg Maddux anecdote that don't involve killin' hoo-ers:

Maddux has spent his adult life in the eternal childhood of the big league clubhouse. There's no other place on earth quite like it. One morning this spring in Peoria, Ariz., he sat at his corner locker with a plate of bacon and eggs on his lap, talking about pitching. He was running some sort of low-stakes golf pool out of the corner of his eye, passing out papers and collecting money without turning his head. At one point, in midsentence and without warning, he winced like a man about to pass a stone, lifted his left cheek off the chair and let loose. "Whoa, wow, sorry about that," he said, then continued with the eggs and the discussion and the golf pool. So add that to the Maddux scouting report: bats right, throws right, farts left.

posted by rcade at 09:10 AM on December 06

I'm sure you will miss seeing him against your team because he hasn't been very good in the last 5-7 years. I guess it just shows you how hard it is to find a decent major league pitcher. Maddux could still find a roster spot if he wanted to pitch for the next 5 seasons, even if he had a losing record each year.

Maddux, over the last 7 years, has averaged 14 wins, 208 innings pitched and a 3.92 ERA. There are few pitchers who have those kinds of stats in the last 7 years.

posted by dfleming at 10:29 AM on December 06

In fact in comparison, CC Sabathia over the last 7 years has averaged 14 wins, 211 IP and a 3.57 ERA.

posted by dfleming at 10:37 AM on December 06

At least now we don't have to suffer through the same, tired Maddux/hooker "jokes" (I use that term very, very loosely). If he stays retired, these lame comments won't reappear until he is voted into the Hall of Fame in a few years.

posted by dyams at 11:30 AM on December 06

Sorry, dyams, but the "jokes" were the reason I was looking forward to reading this thread.

posted by sbacharach at 10:06 PM on December 06

If you don't like the station, change the channel.

Running gags are one of the staples of this site that have kept me coming back. Sorry that it bugs you Dyams, but please don't begrudge some of us our fun. And don't worry, I'm certain that there is another necromancing NFL coach that we can divert our attention to. As long as we don't come under the watchful gaze of his video cameras and spell-casting.

We have all been spared his vengeful wrath with the loss of his golden familiar.

posted by THX-1138 at 10:52 PM on December 06

I'm sure you will miss seeing him against your team because he hasn't been very good in the last 5-7 years. I guess it just shows you how hard it is to find a decent major league pitcher. Maddux could still find a roster spot if he wanted to pitch for the next 5 seasons, even if he had a losing record each year.

As dfleming notes, Maddux has been doing just fine, by any standard the last few years. If he wasn't, why would a team trying to obtain a playoff spot, like the Dodgers, try to pick him up? If there are any problems with his record, it's more a factor of playing on the Padres than anything else. Although the Pads were doing halfway decently before this year, Maddux didn't get much run support. Not that any Padres pitcher did, but even in the good days a typical Padres score would be 2-1.

posted by LionIndex at 11:26 PM on December 06

Yeah it does kind of bug me, but no apologies necessary. It was a little funny a few years ago when it began, but the same jokes, over and over? I've always regarded Maddux as arguably the best pitcher in recent baseball history, and have hoped the conversation could switch to discussing one of the best athletes to ever play the position of pitcher in major league baseball. Guess not. Enjoy your prostitute-killing gut-busting laughfest. My opinion? It's played-out.

posted by dyams at 11:41 AM on December 07

Oh great. Thanks Dyams. Now you're just encouraging Maddux to here to fore unknown levels of mayhem and destruction. He'll make Hannibal Lector seem like Laura Ingells. You've endangered thousands.

I've been a Maddux fan my whole life. 355 wins in the five man rotation era? Simply remarkable. He is one of the few guys who is truly a baseball genius.

posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 11:55 AM on December 07

I've been a Maddux fan my whole life. 355 wins in the five man rotation era? Simply remarkable. He is one of the few guys who is truly a baseball genius.

I think what I personally like about him so much is his ability to play it off like he's nothing particularly special. He reduces pitching to the absolute basics (locating the fastball down and away and changing speeds). I think someone's going to pay a mint to make him their pitching coach and it's going to be a steal.

posted by dfleming at 12:15 PM on December 07

I can't wait until Maddux is elected to the Hall of Fame, joining such greats as Jack the Ripper and the Green River Killer. Oh! That's not the Hall of Fame we were speaking of? My bad!

posted by Howard_T at 01:46 PM on December 07

As a lifelong Cub fan I am only sorry to see him go into the HOF as a Brave, which he definitely will and probably should. If there were ever a player who deserved unanimous election, it's Maddux.

posted by bluesdog at 09:47 PM on December 07

I predict that in 15 years, when the remake of The Graduate comes out and the lyrics of Mrs. Robinson are updated, we will be seeing something to the effect of:

"Where have you gone, Greg Maddux, a nation of decapitated hobos turns its lonely eyes to you."

And the irony is that the decapitated hobos won't have eyes because Greg Maddux will have ripped them out to do unseemly things to/in their ocular cavities.

Kidding aside (I promise, Greg, I didn't mean nothin' by it, we were just some kids playin' around, honest), this man is probably my favorite pitcher of my lifetime. I know some dickhead BBWAA writers have found it incumbent upon themselves to rewrite Hall of Fame eligibility rules and, accordingly, have said they will not vote any players into the Hall from the "steroid era," but I would guess that Maddux has as a better chance than just about anyone of making it in unanimously for the following reasons: (1) not named "Roger Clemens"; (2) not a total douchebag (arguably redundant in light of no. 1); (3) presumably pissed off very few members of the press; (4) 355 victories, 3.16 ERA, 4 Cys, 18 GG, buncha strikeouts v. not so many walks, etc.; and (5) no real hint of controversy ever (until some enterprising SpoFite gets airtime for a sign held up in the teeming masses on College Gameday or the Today Show that says "Maddux is a Whore Slayer" or "Ask Greg About His Collection of Hobo Teeth" or somesuch).

Prior Maddux threads on SpoFi:

3K Ks. Maddux bound for HOF? (back where it all began, incidentally)

"I call him 'The Silent Scumbag.' "

"Greg Maddux? I bet you could catch him with your eyes closed."

Maddux becomes ninth pitcher in MLB history to reach 350 wins

posted by holden at 10:16 PM on December 07

I'm going to get to work on number five right away. Just to, you know, piss people off.

Thanks for those old links, holden.

posted by THX-1138 at 10:32 AM on December 08

Finally! Now, my ultimate plan for killing Osama bin Laden can commence!

1. Drop Greg Maddux off in Kabul;

2. Tell him ObL is the King of the Hobos;

3. Mission Accomplished! For real this time!

Maybe the ultimate "Brains over Brawn" pitcher of my lifetime. The most unassuming 350 game winner/350 whore slayer in history. Another thing to love about Maddog: after he kills a whore, he gives all her money to charity. Guy's just a giver...can't help himself.

posted by The_Black_Hand at 10:44 AM on December 08

You folks are so focused on his stellar pitching career and his dark secret history that you are totally neglecting the most important part of the story - His string of Top 40 duets with departed lead singers from 70's and 80's bands.

I will never forget the first time I heard him and Dennis DeYoung singing in close harmony on DeYoung's "Desert Moon." Or the Steve Perry/Greg Maddux remake of "Oh Sherry." Or, best of all, the magic of the remake of "Boys of Summer" with Don Henley. Something about hearing the song "Boys of Summer" sung by one of the boys of summer is just magical.

I just didn't quite get why he had to change the first line of the chorus of that song to "I can see you/your blond hair shining in a pool of your own blood."

posted by Joey Michaels at 02:38 PM on December 08

From Baseball Prospectus' Unfiltered blog:

Neglected to mention this earlier today but Greg Maddux made an interesting comment when he officially announced his retirement earlier today. When asked what he was going to miss, the first word out of his mouth was "fun," which almost gets forgotten anymore in all sports.

Maddux also said that if he was granted the power to change the game, he would not any.

"It's pretty much the perfect game already," he said.

posted by holden at 06:33 PM on December 08

I've just finished reading through the old links holden so generously posted. I'm now convinced that certain SpoFites are a truly weird group.

I'm glad I'm retired and am not sitting in the office reading the old threads. I would have been hauled out by Security by now.

posted by Howard_T at 12:18 PM on December 09

I see Maddux as a lifer...

We're talking about the same Greg Maddux here, aren't we? I mean, there's just no way that anyone could say that Maddux is a life since he's never been actually caught during his killing sprees. They don't call Mad Dog the Professor for nothing, he's watched plenty of CSI episodes to know exactly what to do in order to not be implicated.

All I know is that all the 'lady of the night' better watch their backs now that Maddux has all the time in the world to plot.

posted by BornIcon at 08:01 AM on December 12

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