beaverboard’s profile

I'm just finishing up a bit of paperwork on Plaxico's behalf.

He'll be needing a new source of income in the future.

So I've submitted a job application for him in Bentonville, Arkansas. If all goes well, he'll be awarded a permanent position as head of overnight hospitality at the entrance of the Greater Long Island Trample Zone Wal-Mart.

Next time there's a consumer stampede in the composure capital of the US, it'll be Plaxico and his leg-loving personal firearm trying to hold back a surging crowd of crazed, turkey-bloated holiday shoppers as the metal and glass give way.

posted at 08:41 PM on November 29

Heck, the bailout package includes the dollar value of the naming rights.

They ought to get Citi gone from the name entirely and call it Uncle Sam Shea's.

When you get to Uncle Sam Shea's, the formal Western footwear is on Aisle 20, and the beef jerky is up by the front register.

posted at 11:08 AM on November 26

When we go to the 3-D theaters and hunker down in our seats to watch the game, and we put on the special 3-D glasses and our skin begins to take on a pale, withered appearance due to the daylight deprivation...

By the end of the game, we will all look just like Al Davis.

posted at 11:02 AM on November 26

Possible keys to the Titans success:

The rest of their division has suddenly gone soft. It was killer previously.

They are adequate enough to find a way to win every week. Remember during the Pats first run to glory a few years back when they just started winning every week with good but not overwhelming talent? I think it's kind of like that.

Albert Haynesworth. Recovering stompaholic. He is uncontainable at the moment.

This year's dream Super Bowl of redeemed second life QB's: Kerry Collins v. Kurt Warner.

posted at 09:41 PM on November 21

John Fox is coach of the year every year for making do the best he can with Jekyll & Hyde Delhomme. World beater one day, street sweeper the next. When he's healthy and in the lineup, that is.

If Carolina had a consistently adequate, noticeably above average QB to go with their run game and D, think of what they could do. They'd name a few of those Charlotte bank towers after Fox. Or maybe even a TV network.

Fox could win out using whichever QB Gruden didn't feel like using on any given week. Griese or Garcia, take your pick.

Speaking of Gruden, the Bucs must be thinking they're caught in a time machine. Before realignment, they were the warm weather doormat for the old Central division. This year, they must have played at least 4 teams that were in the Central division with them. Maybe they'll break out their old orange and white uniforms with Johnny Depp on the helmet. White cleated swashbucklers tiptoeing about on the frozen turf at Soldier Field. What an imposing sight that was, me lads. Dunkin Donuts versus Darth Vader. Harrr.

posted at 10:55 PM on November 20

McNabb at the end of games...whether regulation or overtime...things have not gone well more than a few times. Not just the Super Bowl. Don't know if there's a trend there or not.

Last week's game against the Giants - strange way for the Eagles to end their chances. Andy Reid's clock management and the play calling haven't helped the cause any in some of the stumbles. The Eagles on offense in crunch time: sometimes a fog rolls in, the lights dim. Maybe there's a scientific explanation.

Maybe it's the Curse of Joe Pisarcik, unfolding over the Eagles' nest in a slow, gradual, twisting manner. On the 30th anniversary of "The Fumble", no less. The Pisarcik curse is currently taking care of Herman Edwards too, it would seem.

Donovan, splash some cold water on your self. Grab an energy drink. Pump up your en-tire collection of Rush Limbaugh and Terrell Owens motivational tapes. Put your helmet on and get ready to play every down of all four or five quarters.

After you've taken care of business, you can go across the river to Camden and climb into a hot tub full of Campbell's Chunky soup. It's not LT's hot tub. It's yours. You were doing the Chunky when LT was doing the Enfamil.

posted at 11:36 PM on November 17

The development of the whole mask art thing is so interesting. Kind of surprising in a way that the NHL let this thing happen. Rather than mandating that every player on each team wear a helmet with a common team logo design. And then adding on some sponsor branding, etc. of course. Now, it's beyond their control.

Shows you the difference between the NHL and other pro sports leagues. Can you imagine the NFL letting individual players custom design their own helmets?

Just think what Ocho Cinco's helmet would look like. Barf bag material.

Being an old fashioned mid-lifer, I still admire the player that does great things without calling undue attention to themselves. The wideout that catches a TD pass, hands the ball to the ref, and jogs back to the bench. So if I were an NHL goalie, I'd go for a simple basic helmet design rather than Godzilla's tonsils. I'd feel awful if I was wearing a super hot shot mask and let in a soft goal.

Actually, maybe I'd do a mask that payed homage to the truly courageous real-life freaks of nature: the guys who played goalie before there were masks. I'd have Worsley airbrushed on one side and Sawchuck on the other. Frankenstitches, scars and all.

posted at 09:18 AM on November 13

The reason I'm so hard on Selig is that it is not difficult to do a better job with the weather call.

The folks who were involved in making the weather calls for Game 5 are knuckleheads. We can say this because there have been instances when people in sports have been very smart about the weather.

The best example I can think of is from last year's Indy race. During the race, the Franchitti team was watching the impending rain forecasts while managing the pit stop sequencing.

Franchitti pitted out of sequence from the race leaders. (Partly because he had a tire problem, which turned out to be blind luck).

After he pitted, his crew was expecting more rain that would end the race, and they were wondering if he had enough fuel to hold the lead until the rain arrived.

At one point, one of the crew guys got on the radio and said: "The rain is just eight blocks away". Those are immortal words in my book. The smart guys timed out the arrival of the rain and won the race.

When you compare something like that to how Selig handled the situation with Game 5, Selig is from a different solar system. I'm not expecting Selig to be as bright as an Indy pit crew, god forbid, just bright enough not to screw up the call on a critical game. He doesn't pass the test.

posted at 09:29 AM on October 29

OK, now I'm pulling for the Phillies in this one. The day Bart Giamatti died should be an annually observed day of mourning. Baseball hasn't been the same since. Bud Selig is at this moment what he's always been.

Oliver Stone, if you felt you had to make a movie about catastrophically ineptitude leadership now playing at a cinema near me, why the hell didn't you make it about Selig instead of that other guy?

The Phillies had not only better win the Series, they deserve a fair chance to clinch at home. If it's going to happen for the Phillies, I want to see and hear the home crowd explode when it does. Just to see what that's like.

It just wouldn't be the same if they had to travel back down to the St. Pete Tilt-A-Whirl and try to close it out down there.

posted at 01:35 PM on October 28

In all fairness, it has to be said, Isaiah's mother did indeed get her son though the gauntlet of street life and on the right road. Sometimes with a firearm on hand for enforcement purposes if I remember correctly.

The thing I keep wondering is this. Isaiah was one of the very first players to leave the Indiana program early for the NBA. I think he only did two years at IU.

If Isaiah had gone a full four years with Coach Knight, would he have become more of a man or even more of a lunatic than he is already?

posted at 01:09 PM on October 28

Isaiah needs to be totally gone from the public eye. He carries an evil energy field around with him that sucks in people around him whether they like it or not.

He is still on salary at MSG. That's their problem. I just don't want to hear any more about Isaiah. We've got other things that need our attention more than keeping track of his twisted trail.

Double bunk him with Amy Winehouse in the vice-president's underground fortress, and don't let us know which one of them wins the game.

posted at 09:28 AM on October 28

Since I don't have a strong allegiance to either team and mainly just want to see some good baseball, I hope your guys are able to come through and do Philly proud for your sake and all your fellow fans, cl.

Another thing to like about the Phils: Pat Gillick. I have always admired the way he does his job and his approach to the game.

posted at 01:05 PM on October 22

I think I'll probably root for the Rays, one reason being that the Phils have been hovering near the promised land for a little while now and if they don't come through this year, they should be back in '09.

If the Phils do win, will their fans realize what has happened and be able to enjoy it? There seems to be something different about the way that Phillie fans carry their badge of title destitution around with them, as compared to Cubs fans.

Maybe a sense that, if things did work out well just once, wouldn't that be weird rather than glorious? I don't get the sense that Phillie fans necessarily want to be delivered from their misery. Them Cubs fans, they want deliverance awful bad.

The thing I really like about the Phils is that their contending teams - 1980, 1993, 2008 - each has or had its own distinct personality. I was very fond of that cave-dwelling 1993 crew. Hardly a clean, tidy man among 'em.

posted at 10:15 AM on October 22

If this did happen, I'm wondering how often it has also happened elsewhere with other players and other teams.

Maybe this is just a once in a generation bad thing. Maybe it happens more than we think or know.

Jeez, why wouldn't Brett call the Bears or Vikings instead of the Lions if he wanted to deep 6 the Pack?

Maybe it was the Packers-Lions spread more than the win or loss that really mattered.

Maybe Favre just deep down respects and admires Matt Millen so much that he'd want to reach out and lend a hand any way he could.

Maybe he's been calling Packer opponents for years with this kind of help. If so, he probably called the linebacker and secondary coaches to tell them about the reads and routes.

That would help explain some of his legendary 3 and 4 pick performances.

posted at 04:49 PM on October 20

I think the Rays have a shot against the Phillies. There is a difference between October nights in Phila. versus places like Cleveland and Boston. It's a bit balmier down in cheesesteak country.

The Rays have already shown they can hammer the ball in cool weather during their tear through Fenway last week.

They have enough talent and guts with their pitching to hold down the Phillies bats, at least some of the time.

Sad but true, Maddon will likely have his head in the game more than Manuel will, given what Manuel has just gone through with his personal life.

The Rays are new at this, so they don't know what they can't do. Plus they just came back from a monumental collapse and won a "to the brink" series.

The Phillie fans will probably not handle World Series adversity as well as Rays fans. They've endured a lot in the past and have more to dwell on than Rays fans. A bad game will seem more like fate than another day at the office.

The Rays fans, many of them are late to the bandwagon, and they feel like their team is playing with house money at this point. Other than what happened in Game 5 of the ALCS, they don't know from devastation yet.

The Rays also have the home field edge in the series.

posted at 08:46 AM on October 20