Recent Comments by beaverboard

NFL Players Will Have Tracking Chips in Shoulder Pads

No mention of attaching chips to the shoulders of players who render their companions unconscious.

posted by beaverboard at 09:15 PM on July 31

Holy Sidd Finch! Minnesota Twins Sign Unknown with 100-Mph Fastball

If I had to stand in the box against a guy with ballistic heat who had trouble finding the strike zone, I would probably qualify for designation as an honorary prune packer on a gastroenterological basis.

posted by beaverboard at 06:36 PM on July 30

"Kyle Korver: An Offense Unto Himself"

Great piece. I always enjoy reading about guys like Korver and Battier who defy prevailing player eval wisdom and bring unanticipated value and advantages to their teams and to the league.

My problem is that I always think of Korver as a Gonzaga guy for reasons unknown. I've got that notion stuck in my head and can't seem to shake it.

Other first names in his family include: Kevin, Kris, Kirk, Kaleb, Klayton, Kyra, and Kari. Not only does this have Roger Clemens pretty well one upped, but why the hell is there a show about the Kard***ians when people who are actually contributing something positive to the world at large like the Korvers are available?

(This is why I got into a heated exchange in high school about Gatsby. "I don't care about these people! Why do I have to learn more than I want to know about them?")

posted by beaverboard at 11:56 AM on July 30

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

Then there's this, 300 or so years later:

I love your poise
Of perfect thighs
When they hold me
In paradise
I love you garb'd But naked more

- Warren G. Harding, the POTUS with the Lotus

posted by beaverboard at 12:24 PM on July 29

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

I always wanted to go to the seaside with one of them country gals, and hang the beach towels on the airfoil of my Plymouth Road Runner to dry on the way home.

posted by beaverboard at 12:22 PM on July 27

Ray Rice Suspended for 2 Games

Big Ray has no doubt already told Little Ray about the cosmic truth:

What starts as shock, morphs to meh, then ends up as hugs and kisses, man, woman, and child.

posted by beaverboard at 10:29 AM on July 25

Bartolo Colon Has Perfect Game Through 6 Innings

Freaky footnote: a few years ago, Colon's #40 was worn by a guy named...Robinson Cancel.

posted by beaverboard at 01:08 AM on July 24

Bartolo Colon Has Perfect Game Through 6 Innings

Dr. R. Cade, Chief Resident Colonoptimist

posted by beaverboard at 06:32 PM on July 23

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

I never want to be the Armada or the Counter Armada. I always want to be Boise State.

posted by beaverboard at 01:38 PM on July 23

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

A nice bookend to the Kiffin-inspired Tennessee tinkle torch clip that our main man posted here a few years back.

posted by beaverboard at 09:23 AM on July 23

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

As if LeBron's return wasn't enough to cement Cleveland's status as the national sports epicenter, it is now being reported that Johnny Manziel is the current king of NFL merchandise.

I feel the need to balance things out a bit, so I'm off to build a bigger swag shrine to my man Hoyer.

posted by beaverboard at 08:56 AM on July 22

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

Rcade is currently grappling with how to tell Jerry Jones that there's a new sharif in town.

posted by beaverboard at 03:19 PM on July 21

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

Riquelme withheld himself from competing with different teams on different occasions for reasons less critical than life, death, or national honor.

posted by beaverboard at 01:57 PM on July 21

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

When a headline link mentioned that a member of the WC champ German team was retiring from international competition, I was hoping it wouldn't be Lahm.

But it is.

posted by beaverboard at 10:59 AM on July 21

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

Or wear number 13 and play third bass for the Yankees...

posted by beaverboard at 06:29 PM on July 20

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

She's got a lot of options. She could switch her gender identity and change her name to Transaxelle.

posted by beaverboard at 12:31 PM on July 20

SportsFilter: The Saturday Huddle

Rickie Fowler has a multi-step plan for contending at the British Open.

Step One: Procure Day 3 golfing attire from Tom Watson's closet.

Step Two: Put on your best Lee Van Cleef face.

posted by beaverboard at 03:17 PM on July 19

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

What are they Espys?

I'm not entirely sure, but I know they're alidocious.

posted by beaverboard at 10:34 PM on July 16

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

He's wanted to be a HC for a while. There's no gig somewhere?

What happened to his jazz record label?

Or he could get back in the flight sim and start working on moving on up out of that co-pilot's chair.

posted by beaverboard at 09:47 AM on July 15

LeBron James Returning to Cleveland

I hope that this story inspires pro athletes everywhere to return to their roots.

Actually, not really. I just hope it inspires Pierzynski to sign with the Yankees.

posted by beaverboard at 09:45 AM on July 13

SportsFilter: The Saturday Huddle

In Chevrolet terms, driving a Monte Carlo and wishing it were an El Camino.

posted by beaverboard at 09:36 AM on July 12

LeBron James Returning to Cleveland

This doesn't seem to get mentioned much, but when the Cavs retired Ilgauskas' number earlier this year, that might have made an impression on LeBron. See the family, feel the love. Everyone in Cleve digs the Translucent One.

Dammit, I wish people would quit calling him LBJ. There isn't but one of those, for better and for worse. Anyone who follows along after needs to come up with a moniker of their own. Cain't Lynda Bird and Luci Baines trademark the daggone initials?

posted by beaverboard at 05:38 PM on July 11

LeBron James Returning to Cleveland

Snippets from the Vault of the Vilified:

In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have.
- LeBron

I don't like it when people promise me things, I like to earn it - this is what I value.
- Diego Costa

posted by beaverboard at 04:17 PM on July 11

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

Ozzy Osbourne has a meeting scheduled with the Mayor of Toronto.

posted by beaverboard at 03:07 PM on July 09

Brazil Faces Germany for Spot in World Cup Final

That is my concern. It caused me to have an Oliver Stone follow-the-money moment. Silva had to know he was going to get booked for doing it.

Not a bit of protest from him or anyone else over the call. He just matter of factly headed back up the field. And didn't look at or speak to any of his teammates. Nor did he look devastated over making such a foolish, avoidable mistake that carried such huge consequences.

I would have considered fatigue as a factor causing unintentional contact with the match being past the 60th minute, were it not for the amount of effort Silva put into the interference.

posted by beaverboard at 02:37 PM on July 09

Nate Silver Had Brazil at 65% to Win Today

Did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?

posted by beaverboard at 01:03 PM on July 09

Brazil Faces Germany for Spot in World Cup Final

The more I view the footage of Silva running into the Colombian keeper, the more suspiciously intentional looking it appears to be.

posted by beaverboard at 12:47 PM on July 09

Nate Silver Had Brazil at 65% to Win Today

Nate secretly knew what the plan was, all along.

posted by beaverboard at 10:11 PM on July 08

Brazil Faces Germany for Spot in World Cup Final

The poor host bastards have to play another game on Saturday. Unmerciful. Lord knows what will happen to the country if the opponent is Argentina and Brazil gets crushed again. Civil disorder at the very least.

posted by beaverboard at 06:22 PM on July 08

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

I remember that the 1966 Sox were pretty bad, finishing down near the cellar before embarking on the impossible path to glory in 67. Them and the Yankees ran neck and neck for that coveted bottom spot.

Also, I think that in the NL, the worst teams in 66 were the Cubs and Mets, who then staged their equally improbable epic divisional war in 69.

posted by beaverboard at 02:18 PM on July 08

The Netherlands Faces Underdog Costa Rica in World Cup

Classic Peg was not available.

Enjoy the simple Brazilian names while you can.

Not just limited to Brazil. Yeltsin is fast becoming the new Joe.

posted by beaverboard at 12:10 PM on July 07

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

Despite the current slow period in sports news, no mention here of the recent Coney Island Hot Dog Championship. Which included the reigning champ proposing to his girlfriend - a fellow competitive eater - before the event, and then narrowly retaining his crown by pulling away late, as they say.

posted by beaverboard at 11:39 AM on July 07

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

That is so great. They must be working on a Suarez montage right now. Which actually might be too easy to the point of not being worth doing.

posted by beaverboard at 09:33 AM on July 07

Germany Closes Down France in World Cup

Also, Klinsmann promises that his team will be in better shape in 2018.

posted by beaverboard at 04:55 PM on July 04

Brazil Knocks Out Colombia, But Loses Neymar

First 30 minutes of this one has been Hagler-Hearns.

posted by beaverboard at 04:38 PM on July 04

Germany Closes Down France in World Cup

Moe and Curly admit that they don't know where Keith Richards is.

posted by beaverboard at 03:36 PM on July 04

Brazil Knocks Out Colombia, But Loses Neymar

They must feel compelled to continue the tradition.

From the BBC's 1998 Cup final reportage:

The most dramatic account came from Ronaldo's roommate Roberto Carlos.

He said: "Ronaldo was scared about what lay ahead. The pressure had got to him and he couldn't stop crying".

The Brazilian media demanded to know why Ronaldo had been allowed to play when his mind was clearly not on the game.

posted by beaverboard at 01:27 PM on July 04

Jason Kidd joins Bucks as head coach

He leaves NY without having gotten a chance to become Dolan's Isaiah 2.0

posted by beaverboard at 08:26 PM on June 30

Mexico Faces The Netherlands in Round of 16

The thing that bothers me most about Robben (maybe I should learn to admire him for this) is that he's such an artfully selective flopper. He has a keen sense of when and when not go down. During one of his runs yesterday, with the ball still moving in front of him, he blazed ahead and flew over a leg tackle as though he were in an equestrian event because he knew he might be able to finish. Then at other times of course, he goes down if you wave a feather boa at him.

I wish he would decide on which persona it's going to be - Clark van Kent or the Victorian porcelain figure - and just stick to one of them.

Also wondering when/if the refs and AR's are ever going to get to a point where they're able to disregard the player antics while keeping the game under control.

posted by beaverboard at 09:14 AM on June 30

Mexico Faces The Netherlands in Round of 16

Disappointed that Ochoa is now out of the tournament, among other things. I could live with the dagger of the late equalizer, but I wanted it to go to extra time and penalties, because I thought Ochoa would be able to shut the door on the Dutch.

posted by beaverboard at 11:18 PM on June 29

Brazil Faces Chile in World Cup's First Knockout Game

ESPN's Darke and McManaman made sure the hotel staff gave their tongues a good overnight soak in battery acid before today's match. The commentary has thus far not been favorable to anyone.

A tart nugget among many: that Julio Cesar is not good enough for QPR, but he's good enough for Brazil.

posted by beaverboard at 12:58 PM on June 28

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

Anyone who habitually wears little black dresses at 10 in the morning is headed straight for the trunk of Greg Maddux's car.

posted by beaverboard at 01:01 AM on June 27

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

On a related note, if Count Suarez wants to begin making peace with Italy, I think we've found him a date for the prom.

posted by beaverboard at 06:59 PM on June 26

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

The photo of the German fan is quite alluring, but also reminds me that one of the great tragedies of the 2010 WC was that South America sent the wrong Riquelme to the tournament.

posted by beaverboard at 06:49 PM on June 26

U.S. Escapes Group of Death, Advances Despite Loss

Amidst the delight of going through, there's a troubling concern: is the US now obliged to enshrine Ronaldo as Mexico has enshrined Zusi?

posted by beaverboard at 04:52 PM on June 26

Luis Suarez Banned 9 Games for Biting Opponent

Mr. B, you're supposed to be watching the other match.

(I don't own a shred of sporting apparel and never have, but damn, I want a Ghana kit.)

posted by beaverboard at 01:06 PM on June 26

Luis Suarez Bites Opponent at World Cup

A bit of Harry Belafonte in Belo Horizonte:

One neck, two neck, three neck, LUNCH!
Come mister tally man, tally me bad manners
Daylight coming and me wan' go home

posted by beaverboard at 09:35 AM on June 26

Tim Lincecum Throws 2nd No-Hitter Against Padres

Lince gets a few Smoltz points for doing well out of the bullpen.

I'm not going to go look it up, but I hope to hell that grum's mystery pitcher isn't Schilling.

posted by beaverboard at 09:20 AM on June 26

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

Given the recent medical concerns, it will seem weird when Portland doesn't take Embiid in the draft.

posted by beaverboard at 09:15 AM on June 26

Tim Lincecum Throws 2nd No-Hitter Against Padres

rcade did not jinx the bid. Being a low or no jinx risk should make him all the more welcome during his pilgrimages to Rome.

posted by beaverboard at 06:28 PM on June 25

Tim Lincecum Throws 2nd No-Hitter Against Padres

The Padres have endured much karmic payback for dispatching the Cubs and taking the pennant in 1984. That just wasn't supposed to happen.

posted by beaverboard at 06:23 PM on June 25

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

It's not the Argentine defense's fault that Nigeria didn't equalize late.

posted by beaverboard at 03:19 PM on June 25

Luis Suarez Bites Opponent at World Cup

When they delivered Samson, the Spirit of the Lord came upon him and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

Luis sez: "I gotta start somewhere..."

posted by beaverboard at 09:36 AM on June 25

Luis Suarez Bites Opponent at World Cup

Suarez ought to be gone for the duration. The worst part was having to watch Bob Lee anxiously smile and blink his way through the story line in the post game while foisting his annoying smooth vanilla delivery on viewers. It bugs the hell out of me when shit happens and the studio host keeps pretending he's broadcasting a commercial-free kids show as if nothing had transpired. He'd be perfect in a purple Barney costume.

posted by beaverboard at 02:16 PM on June 24

LeBron Taking His Talents Out of South Beach

Maybe he just wants to keep his options open until he sees who the new Miami coach is going to be.

posted by beaverboard at 01:30 PM on June 24

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

Zusi's resemblance to well-known sport stars has led me to dub him Landon Federer.

posted by beaverboard at 09:07 AM on June 24

Alex Torres First Pitcher to Wear Protective Cap

They should have introduced the cap a few years ago. It would have looked proportionately correct perched on Bonds' econo-dome.

posted by beaverboard at 04:38 PM on June 22

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

I think the players like the way the tournament ball is handling and behaving and perhaps feel more inclined to strike it at distance.

Plus if you're facing a team like Iran playing all 11 back as they were yesterday, it's hard to muck through that, so one might as well have a go and find out how deeply held their national devotion and loyalty is. Defenders in the box have less range and mobility when they're running around with both hands cupped over their genitals.

posted by beaverboard at 04:27 PM on June 22

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

Melanie Collins asked Ndamukong Suh who the Ndamukong Suh of the World Cup was. For some reason, he said Balotelli, not DeJong.

posted by beaverboard at 09:01 AM on June 22

SportsFilter: The Saturday Huddle

Brilliant goal by Messi, but as with the rest of the proceedings, it felt like a match script for the benefit of VIPB's* was being followed.

* Very Important Propositional Bettors

posted by beaverboard at 02:02 PM on June 21