Recent Comments by beaverboard

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

I guess I'd be intrigued to see an excessive celebration penalty on a successful extra point conversion.

posted by beaverboard at 10:49 PM on May 21

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

Friends don't let Yanks drive drunk.

posted by beaverboard at 02:37 PM on May 21

Kraft Says Patriots Won't Appeal DeflateGate Punishment

Being a Brady and Belichick believer comes with so many rigorous and stressful complexities. Perhaps some folks in Pats land like myself should consider waxing nostalgic for the simpler, less astute days of Patrick Sullivan.

I kept expecting to see Mr. Haney from Green Acres show up at Schaefer, trying to sell Patrick a washing machine.

posted by beaverboard at 11:37 AM on May 20

NFL Moves PAT Kicks Back to 15-Yard Line

In the next Pats-Ravens game, the Pats line up for a PAT kick at the 15, then sub in 6 guards and tackles, all of whom are declared eligible, and move up to the 2 yd. line for what looks like an old fashioned PAT kick. Harbaugh howls.

Before the ball is snapped, the Pats declare the guards and tackles ineligible and do a direct snap to the kicker, who runs it in behind the holder's lead block.

After the next TD, the Pats line up at the 15 for a PAT, declare the long snapper eligible, and the holder throws to him for a 2 pt. conversion. Ravens say that a PAT play from the 15 should only be good for one point. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver happens to be at the game and says that scoring a conversion from that far out should really be worth 3 points.

After the game, it is revealed that Kraft's IP attorneys have gained exclusive rights to the usage of the term "PAT" in NFL games. Goodell has to pay Kraft 1 million to license the usage of the term after a touchdown is scored.

posted by beaverboard at 08:30 AM on May 20

Kraft Says Patriots Won't Appeal DeflateGate Punishment

The thing that bothers me is that Kraft's abrupt change of position has legitimized and validated a highly flawed investigation and report and the league's conduct, which has been an utter charade.

And Kraft supposedly choosing the wiser course of action (from any number of different perspectives) has not silenced one bit of anti-Patriot rancor and hatred. On the contrary, the haters are more revved up and irrational than ever. Additionally, many Pats fans are infuriated at Kraft's tent folding. No waters have been calmed by Kraft's reversal.

The other thing that bothers me is that only now is it quietly being reported that the league is going to take control of the management of the game day footballs. Goodell should have addressed this problem and taken responsibility for it months ago. Years ago, really, because the routine doctoring of footballs by teams around the league has been a known issue for a long time.

posted by beaverboard at 11:52 PM on May 19

Kraft Says Patriots Won't Appeal DeflateGate Punishment

Meanwhile, Pats fans continue to consult with Lorena Bobbitt Associates on Goodell's severance package.

posted by beaverboard at 05:26 PM on May 19

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

The fourth time, he was escorted back to his hotel in a champagne limo by three female volunteers from the Tourism Bureau who mistook him for the Governor of New Jersey and were worried he might close two northbound lanes on the Michigan Avenue bridge.

posted by beaverboard at 12:29 PM on May 19

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

They should make US pro athletes Anglicize their tweets.

Yough brough, dig that hough.

Goodell has the authority to do this.

posted by beaverboard at 09:40 AM on May 19

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

Garo was in several entertaining local TV ads in south Florida when he played in Miami. As a colorful guy on Dolphin teams that didn't have a lot of flamboyant characters, he stood out easily.

A bit of spinal fortitude was also required, as teams around the league were transitioning from old fashioned kickers who also played a field position and looked like football players to soccer style specialists who often came from other countries and did not look like NFL athletes. These new little guys with the funny names weren't always given the warmest welcome by football traditionalists.

I'm just now reflecting on how many times Shula was involved with notable placekicker moments. Garo's Super Bowl pass, Garo's OT winning kick in the marathon Xmas Day game against KC, von Schamann's misses in the legendary Chargers-Dolphins playoff game, the Snowplow game...

Shula must have loved Garo's accuracy after having to depend on his old straight ahead toe-style PK Lou Michaels in Baltimore, who only made around 50% of his FGA's.

posted by beaverboard at 11:34 AM on May 17

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Those NY tabloid guys are such clever wordsmiths. Not sure what kept them from going with "Boston Schlong" on the back page to create an enhanced sense of thematic unity and symmetry.

This is why I refuse to go to that remote topless beach in the Aegean with the Duchess of Cambridge. The captioning that accompanied the drone photos would wreck the health of my elderly relatives.

posted by beaverboard at 08:22 PM on May 16

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Cheers to all who have helped get us to the comment benchmark we have now reached, which is formally known as a Half Sandusky.

posted by beaverboard at 07:38 PM on May 15

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

This just in from the Warren Commission:

The pass that Brady threw at the goal line in the Super Bowl missed both Julian Edelman and President Kennedy, but did hit Governor Connally.

posted by beaverboard at 10:58 AM on May 15

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Robert Redford is too old and would never do it anyway. But the resemblance is there.

Wish Hunter S. Thompson was still alive to weigh in on Goodell.

posted by beaverboard at 10:23 AM on May 15

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Either Goodell has gone into full Untergang mode, or he sees how much happier and more relaxed Jon Gruden seems to be after leaving the league, and he's waiting for the owners to come up with a comfortable exit package for him before he tears down the entire playhouse.

posted by beaverboard at 09:49 AM on May 15

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Last fall, the online sports wagering parlors had Goodell at around 9-2 to head to the unemployment line in the wake of the Ray Rice saga. I'm currently waiting patiently for the betting line to resurface. This time, I may put money down, as this past winter has brought home repair bills that could not have been imagined, let alone anticipated.

(If I were to go to Key West and mention "ice dams", sure as hell, there would initially be blank stares, then I'd be served a margarita that would wreck my virtue.)

posted by beaverboard at 09:00 PM on May 14

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

My kingdom for a pressure gauge.

posted by beaverboard at 03:01 PM on May 13

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

Florida football news:

Mornhinweg out, Del Rio in.

posted by beaverboard at 12:25 PM on May 13

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

No one is writing about the stealth workouts that Jamarcus Russell has been going through in Belichick's secret underground training facility.

I think BB is using a technique called chiliboarding to shock Russell into losing weight and becoming a capable NFL QB.

They're going to sign him as a tight end, give him Hernandez' old number, then play him under center and dare Goodell to complain about his uniform.

posted by beaverboard at 12:17 PM on May 13

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Though I'm in love with the idea of the team going full Al Davis Raiders

Me too. It took Roger Goodell several ballots to get elected commissioner. One reason was that the Raiders abstained from voting on every ballot.

With silver helmets and a convicted murderer formerly on the roster, the Pats are almost there already. They might just need to go a bit darker on the unis, and provide game day vouchers so more Harley Davidson enthusiasts from the region can afford to enter the stadium.

Hell, Laconia could become depopulated during the Patriots' pre-season games.

If you decided to go to battle with Goodell, your main concern would be that winning might not be as challenging a feat as you'd want it to be. With a guy who is prone to the sorts of things he is prone to, all you might have to do is throw a handful of sunflower seeds inside the Havahart trap, then take a ringside seat, pour a tall beverage, and sit back, relax, and watch him do all the work.

posted by beaverboard at 01:26 PM on May 12

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

Brady may have gotten four games because of the league schedule, and the damned NFL will probably try to hang on for dear life to the four game suspension, because if they reduce it, that means that Brady's first game back won't be against the Colts.

Brady vs. Indy: The Rematch / Return From Purgatory / Full Inflation Edition. That wouldn't be sort of huge? If the league loses that marketing hook by reducing his sentence, it would really fuck up their anointed money train.

Sometimes you get the idea that the NFL plots and stages this sort of confluential shit several years in advance. Don't let anyone try to tell you that the league isn't "visionary".

I'm amazed that they didn't try to insert a bionic spine into Cooper Manning's body so that they could have all three of Archie's boys in the league and schedule a Manning brothers square-off almost every weekend.

posted by beaverboard at 08:14 AM on May 12

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

I've never played any sort of electronic or video game but it seems to me that Blatt is doing the skilled enthusiasts in that realm of endeavor a disservice by not acknowledging them as well.

posted by beaverboard at 06:58 AM on May 12

NFL Announces Punishment for Patriots' Deflated Balls

I could see Kraft negotiating to lower the amount of the fine, and the team asking to be allowed to trade out of the first round instead of losing the pick outright.

"But don't you dare even think about touching that fourth round pick or there will be major hell to pay".

The two tainted equipment guys could get hired by Green Bay. After Rodgers has the Packers' balls over inflated, these two get hold of them and suddenly the balls fall within league specs.

"I vant to pump (clap) YOU up."

posted by beaverboard at 09:54 PM on May 11

SportsFilter: The Saturday Huddle

Hope was already flying on wobbly wings, but now she'll be flying solo for the next month.

posted by beaverboard at 08:59 AM on May 09

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

Can't do much digging there. Water table's too high.

posted by beaverboard at 01:31 AM on May 09

NFL Investigator: Patriots Probably Deflated Balls on Purpose

Brady has now lost both the Buffalo Hotel Association and the Michelin Tire endorsement accounts.

God forbid that the Met Life blimp ever does a game day flyover in Foxboro and an Isis drone thwacks home a couple of rounds and the airship starts losing pressure while hovering over 65,000 people. If that happens, people will not be blaming Jimmy Garoppolo or Drew Bledsoe.

I have Roberto Luongo on the line, who is prepared to say nice things about the Patriots footballs, even if no one says nice things about him in return.

posted by beaverboard at 01:19 AM on May 09

The Cleveland Cavaliers catch heat for in-game promotional video.

Can Aaron Rodgers sue for defamatory likeness?

posted by beaverboard at 01:06 PM on May 08

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

You dumped Boateng in the poop.

I thought he was on the Thames.

posted by beaverboard at 12:52 PM on May 07

LeSean McCoy: Chip Kelly Got Rid of 'All the Good Black Players'

I still think that Chip Kelly is getting post-hypnotic suggestions advising him to blow up the team so he can return to college ball.

The spirit voice comes to him in his sleep and whispers: "What would Celtics coach Rick Pitino do?"

And:

"Why test yourself against Jay Gruden when you can test yourself against Nick Saban?"

Kelly is also probably getting paid under the table in cash by ESPN to do stuff that their in-house nutcases like Smith can freely interpret as they so choose.

posted by beaverboard at 12:50 PM on May 07

NFL Investigator: Patriots Probably Deflated Balls on Purpose

Malcolm Butler sez:

"You have no idea how hard it is to snag a pick in our practices. The footballs are a mess. It's like trying to catch Nick Nolte's face. Give our secondary a chance at making a play with a clean, properly inflated football and let's see what happens".

posted by beaverboard at 03:30 PM on May 06

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

He was born offsides

I play O-60 Sunday morning soccer with a fairly international bunch, including two guys from Ireland, who do a running commentary that includes phrases like that all match long.

It's a miracle that they can get to the park in anything close to upright condition that early on a Sunday. They are always wrecked on arrival.

I can't be paired behind them on the same side, because the ball goes right by us during the hilarity and they want to know why I can't properly control my field area while gasping for air amidst the involuntary diaphragmatic upheavals. And one of them has a voice that carries from here to the Vatican so there's no avoiding the spewing stream. It's as though someone took Ray Hudson and Robin Williams and shook them into a vinaigrette.

posted by beaverboard at 06:54 PM on May 05

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

Can the Utah Jazz be far behind?

When I think of kiss cams, the first thing that crosses my mind is that Harry Caray and Marge Schott died too soon.

What a shudder inducing thought.

OK, let her bring in the dog and make it a threesome.

posted by beaverboard at 12:02 PM on May 05

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

My thought was that the Pats scouts had said:

"He's a very proficient long snapper, and he's from one of the service academies"

Whereupon Belichick squinted in a serene manner, began squeezing an imaginary fully inflated football with his hands, and mumbled "air...force...yeah..."

posted by beaverboard at 11:52 AM on May 05

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

It's the long snapper from the Naval Academy that made me wonder what Belichick was thinking. If that guy has an unyielding service commitment and he decides to extend it, football might be extinct by the time he's ready to come to camp.

posted by beaverboard at 10:04 PM on May 04

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

Ha ha, when I saw Craig Counsell's name, the first thing I thought of was the batting stance.

He'll have to take time off from managing the Brewers to fulfill his statewide honorary obligations as the grand marshal of various annual brute strength events. He'll be showing these guys how to get it done Counsell style, and will then scram from the fairgrounds before anyone cuts off their kneecap. Or worse.

posted by beaverboard at 12:29 PM on May 04

SportsFilter: The Saturday Huddle

There may not be many more old school sports days like this one, dominated by boxing and horse racing. I'm looking around for a cigar and a fedora.

posted by beaverboard at 11:29 PM on May 02

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

Hoping this year's top o' the draft becomes Manning and Leaf 2.0

Winston took the # 3 jersey. Did they retire Josh Freeman's number?

posted by beaverboard at 03:05 AM on May 02

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

I also don't like that scoutmaster look that Jimbo Fisher puts on when he is challenged about Winston's conduct.

I would like to take all the global ridicule from the Mark Sanchez butt fumble, add it to the ridicule from Winston's falling statue fumble against Oregon, and roll it all up into a large anal probe.

If there was a god, Schiano would still be coaching the Bucs.

posted by beaverboard at 09:01 PM on May 01

Sources: Billy Donovan will coach the OKC Thunder

Oh man I am old.

You're not that old. I was newly engaged to my wife when Billy's Providence team went to the Final Four, and after seeing me nearly lose control of my bodily functions when the Friars beat Georgetown, she went ahead with the nuptials anyway.

Mel Kiper is pissed. Of all the nerve for Donovan to upstage him on the one day of the year that is the entire basis of his reason for being. It's like upstaging one of those top hatted oafs gathered onstage at Gobbler's Knob on Groundhog Day.

(Whoever named the place "Gobbler's Knob" never rented a limo with tinted windows on prom weekend.)

posted by beaverboard at 04:56 PM on April 30

What would happen if you played a baseball game and nobody came out to watch?

bleep out any inappropriate language

"Field of Screams" would be this game with Earl Weaver and Ozzie Guillen managing.

posted by beaverboard at 02:31 PM on April 29

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

NFL League Office will no longer be tax exempt.

posted by beaverboard at 11:00 AM on April 29

What would happen if you played a baseball game and nobody came out to watch?

Got an empty stadium game but want some crowd noise? Georgia Dome's the place to go.

posted by beaverboard at 01:09 AM on April 29

How Big Will Mayweather-Pacquiao Be Saturday?

Phuket was already worth getting to, no matter how long it took you.

Now, with a free 15 rounder awaiting the intrepid pleasure seeker, it's even more of a destination.

posted by beaverboard at 12:48 AM on April 29

Fan Injured by Airborne Baseball Bat at Wrigley Field

This is the next step in the evolution of the Walt Hriniak method.

posted by beaverboard at 07:55 PM on April 28

Fan Injured by Airborne Baseball Bat at Wrigley Field

Cub lore should dictate that the goal is to hang onto the bat until the tip of it is right over Pierzynski's head.

posted by beaverboard at 02:40 PM on April 28

SportsFilter: The Sunday Huddle

Moss was quite the clever Englishman, committing a criminal act after arriving in the South Pacific.

He was fortunate in numerous ways. He received the ball from his ex-wife in S.A. just as he probably should have been shipping out to Gallipoli from N.Z. Didn't return to England until after the war. And apparently rode out the influenza pandemic of 1918 in good order. Was too old to see combat in WWII, but lived long enough to see V-E Day. He dodged a number of bullets, literally and figuratively.

His spouse was also fortunate to have remarried him before returning to post-war England where there were few eligible men to be found, with so many having never come home from the continent.

Given the way Albert's movements amounted to a rather charmed path that allowed him to avoid the reaper at various turns, his obituary might have read "A Rolling Moss Gathers No Stone".

posted by beaverboard at 08:06 AM on April 27

Rangers Close to Trade with Angels for Josh Hamilton

The story must have been filed in haste with voice recog and auto complete. It sholy wasn't proofread.

('Course now that I say that, they'll probably tidy it up...)

posted by beaverboard at 06:46 PM on April 24

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

Looks like this Ventura needs the Nolan Ryan full salon treatment more than the other one did.

posted by beaverboard at 10:21 AM on April 24

SportsFilter: The Thursday Huddle

Canada, Brazil, and Germany being among the few countries that are represented in all 4 sports.

posted by beaverboard at 11:04 AM on April 23

Jameis Winston explains crab legs issue to Jim Harbaugh (Video)

I'm not sure why Harbaugh, moving from the pros back to college, needs to get involved with a scene like that, with Winston heading in the other direction.

I guess Harbaugh feels compelled to help fulfill the constant and overwhelming need for sports broadcast content. But meanwhile he's got a prominent program to put in order, and I don't see where this type of thing directly helps the cause. Elite recruits already know that he's been successful at both levels and will help prepare them for pro ball.

Stuff like Draft Academy is what we have guys like Jon Gruden for.

posted by beaverboard at 10:54 AM on April 23

SportsFilter: The Wednesday Huddle

Why aren't they calling it grumavision so our man can make some extra coin on the side via name licensing and consulting fees?

posted by beaverboard at 11:47 AM on April 22

Arsene Wenger, The Martyr

Nice job. That guy is talented.

posted by beaverboard at 09:00 AM on April 22

SportsFilter: The Tuesday Huddle

I saw recent photos of Tebow working out and his arms and upper body are twice as big as they ever were before. We already discussed that he was probably too muscularly overdeveloped to throw effectively to begin with.

Olive Oyl must live in Philly. Hope she's a virgin.

---------

If you fuck up meat-based stadium food in KC, local steak and BBQ restaurant owners of great repute should have the right to send you to a CIA dark site.

posted by beaverboard at 11:56 AM on April 21

SportsFilter: The Monday Huddle

Worthy homeric link, but now I'm awash in Economist banner ads proclaiming "Great Minds Like a Think."

Which calls to mind Braves pitcher Terry Forster, who perennially struggled with weight problems. Perhaps "embraced" is a better word.

Forster was once called "a fat tub of goo" by Letterman. His reply to the ribbing: "A waist is a terrible thing to mind".

The inverse of course being that a hard man is good to find.

posted by beaverboard at 03:37 PM on April 20

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

Can I buy a vowel?

posted by beaverboard at 05:09 PM on April 19

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

Younger SpoFites go scrambling to google Barbie Benton while Howard and I sit there watching them and chuckling to ourselves.

If we still had copies of those old magazines she once graced and they were in good condition, they'd probably be worth a little money.

(You don't need a GPS to locate Howard right now. He just ran up into his attic with dollar signs in his eyes.)

It didn't occur to me that the mention of a foreign language variety show would morph into a country-fried avianatomical discussion.

I'd like to put in a good word for Jane Russell's cheekbones. Maybe I'm the only person who ever noticed them.

posted by beaverboard at 05:10 PM on April 18

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

I watched Hee-Haw for the same reasons I watched Sabado Gigante

In my travels, whenever I hit a cultural pocket in the US where both Spanish and Junior Samples are being spoken fluently at the same time, I feel like I'm home.

I feel a song coming on.

"Thar's a waitress in Texarkana..."

posted by beaverboard at 11:57 AM on April 18

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

If one accepts the notion that there are two sets of laws of aerodynamics (with one pertaining to the human form), given Howard's military and engineering background and his viewership of Sabado, I can't think of anyone who is more familiar with both sets of laws than he is.

posted by beaverboard at 11:52 AM on April 18

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

If by some miracle The 700 Club were ever cancelled, I'd have a hell of a time annoying my wife on weekend nights.

If you're spending your weekend nights with the 700 Club while most heathens are out pleasure seeking, I don't need to fill out a Pray and Pledge card for the sake of your soul. Why pay good money on behalf of a guy who is already counted among the blessed and redeemed in the eyes of the lucid Reverend?

The proper answer is that there's no such thing as too much pledge money.

(Someday we can ruminate about my past association with various members of the Robertson realm over an earthly beverage.)

posted by beaverboard at 09:39 PM on April 17

SportsFilter: The Friday Huddle

This is more FarceFilter than SportsFilter material, but to hardy denizens like yerfatma and me, the cultural crush of 2015 is not going to be the final airing of the Letterman show, but the news as of today that Sabado Gigante is ending its 53 year run in September.

It has been one of the few places one could turn in order to confirm that the traditional concept of "boom or bust" had a viable alternative in "boom and bust".

Because the show does include live team competition and timed events that require a certain degree of physical mobility, I am compelled to deliver the sad news here.

Just devastated. Heading out to slug down some Patron, urinate on a pinata, and set it on fire with a couple of Hooters waitresses jumping up and down, hollering, and clapping excitedly in a sincere and unsolicited show of enthusiasm and support.

posted by beaverboard at 12:25 PM on April 17

U.S. Men Win 2-0 Over Mexico in San Antonio

I am living in fear that Scotts will turn footage of the match into an ad for its turf care products.

Here now cometh Ray Hudson and Scott, the burly Highlands garden gnome of all US suburbia. After a few pints.

"Feed your pitch, Mikey! For God's sake, man. It's a living, breathing thing! Can you hear it crying out to ye? FEED IT!"

posted by beaverboard at 11:09 AM on April 16