04/26/24
March 02, 2007
"I call him 'The Silent Scumbag.' … He's got a silent sickness to him. … Those quiet guys are the ones you have to watch out for." : Hee hee! I had post this because of the quote. David Wells is on the case and the Killing Machine may be getting a little too cozy. Sure, now he's just urinating on rookies, but when night falls....
posted by WeedyMcSmokey to baseball at 08:21 AM - 31 comments
I loved listening to Wells and his understated but oft misunderstood sense of humor while he was in Boston. It's good to see him enjoying himself once again in San Diego. Too bad that so many of the writers and commentators in the Boston media take the game so seriously that players like Wells go unappreciated.
posted by Howard_T at 11:05 AM on March 02, 2007
Its good to see the old guys can still play. Just like the Mets... You just had to take a shot at my Mets now didn't you? They're not old, they're seasoned.
posted by BornIcon at 11:24 AM on March 02, 2007
Wells is freakin' great. If you get a chance to read his book, by all means, do it. The guy's a classic. Oh yeah, and he's also a damn good pitcher.
posted by dyams at 11:27 AM on March 02, 2007
I feel sorry for the unsuspecting folks in San Diego who are already being charmed by a certain sociopath's professorial demeanor, oblivious to the danger lurking beneath the surface. Nice to see that he has already identified a fall guy -- pinning his crimes on a patsy is a hallmark of the Whore Slayer's M.O.
posted by holden at 11:51 AM on March 02, 2007
"I call him 'The Silent Scumbag.'" I thought that was Marcel Marceau?
posted by wfrazerjr at 12:25 PM on March 02, 2007
holden: so, so wrong. (can't stop laughing, I'm so going to hell)
posted by hincandenza at 12:26 PM on March 02, 2007
Good article. I haven't had much use for Wells in the past, but I like him a lot more after reading that.
posted by lil_brown_bat at 12:32 PM on March 02, 2007
I've actually met Greg Maddux and I have absolutely nothing bad to say about him. Especially since he knows my real name. The preceding may be entirely fictional.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:39 PM on March 02, 2007
FBI profilers say that urinating on rookies in the shower doesn't quite fit the MO of your typical whore killer, but Maddux is Hall of Fame caliber.
posted by mbd1 at 01:35 PM on March 02, 2007
Greg Maddux has the entire Behaviour Science Department of the FBI both utterly facsinated and scared shitless. They wouldn't touch him with a twelve-meter foul pole. They fear him like Brando feared broccoli. And I'd be fascinated too. It's not everyone who can murder seven hobos, dismember the corpses and use the pieces to re-create a reasonable facsimilie of the battle of Antietam (at the 3:30 PM mark) - then go out and paint the black for two hours, throwing a complete game shutout against the Brewers. Sure it's the Brewers, but that's still gotta count for something. Personally, I think it's because he doesn't require sleep. That's just weird.
posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 03:07 PM on March 02, 2007
You all are fools! Don't taunt Maddux with your profiling! We can't hide behind our snappy screen-names forever! (even now he lurks)
posted by THX-1138 at 03:19 PM on March 02, 2007
I love baseball pranks. The hot foot, shaving cream pie in the face and my personal favorite, dissolving the body of a loved one in a bath tub full of lye.
posted by HATER 187 at 03:29 PM on March 02, 2007
I hear that while Wells was in Africa hunting big game, Maddux traveled to a remote island near Vancouver and hunted the most dangerous prey of all...
posted by tahoemoj at 03:30 PM on March 02, 2007
The scary thing is, the article points out that Maddux and Wells are similar. Even now, Clarice Starling is firing up the FBI's computers, analyzing every city on the Maddux - Wells Dead Transient Express.
posted by The_Black_Hand at 03:47 PM on March 02, 2007
Maddux is a master of strategically timed nose picking, sidling up to an unsuspecting rookie in the shower and urinating on the kid's leg... And here you were worried about showering with Amaechi. Maddux and Wells ARE the perfect Oscar and Felix, one cooking while the other eats. Their victims. Any shot Maddux had at the Hall of Fame will be put to rest by the end of this season. Guaranteed.
posted by The Crafty Sousepaw at 04:51 PM on March 02, 2007
Crafty, Why do you think Maddux isn't hall worthy? I don't have any real opinion yet, but i'm curious why you feel so certain about this.
posted by brainofdtrain at 04:55 PM on March 02, 2007
I've admired Wells for years because of his sparkling personality,sense of humor and intelligence.He was a riot on the talk show circuit a few years back after the perfect game.
posted by sickleguy at 04:58 PM on March 02, 2007
Brain I'm almost positive that Crafty is kidding.
posted by Ying Yang Mafia at 06:27 PM on March 02, 2007
We really need to put the "We've got a long running joke about Maddux-as-Hannibal-Lecter on this site, it's not meant seriously" meme on the About page of this site... :) That joke/meme always catches a few unsuspecting people.... just like Maddux on one of his bloodlust rampages...
posted by hincandenza at 06:37 PM on March 02, 2007
Let's just put this matter to bed once and for all. You be the judge. Maddux Hall of Fame Pros and Cons Pros: 333 W .621 W% 108 CG 3169 SO 16 GG 4 CY Cons: 29 DH (dead hobos) 37 SW (slain whores) 23 RSWF (rookies sodomized with fungo) 125 SCOBPCMU (shaving cream on bullpen phone catching Mazzone unaware) Banged Marge Schott regularly throughout the 90's and made Schottzie watch
posted by holden at 08:59 PM on March 02, 2007
When Wells came back to the Yanks, I was ecstatic (never was happy about trophy-trading him for Clemens), but he seemed to have more trouble with Torre and/or Stottlemyre, plus his book came out and ruffled more feathers than I expected. Remember how furious everyone was when he wrote about steroid use? Next thing you know, Canseco talks, Congress investigates, Bonds is all over the news, and everone's forgotten what a hard time Wells got. It hurt a lot when he went to Boston, but Steinbrenner deserved it after offering him essentially nothing plus incentives because his back went out on him in the postseason. I envy you, San Diego. I'll come to see you at Shea again, like I did last time 'round. You've got a very very good team with great pitching. That will be a real game against the Mets. This is my first day with you here -- hadn't time to be funny because I wanted to get something up about Wells, but I must add that you are very clever and enjoyable writers.
posted by outofthebullpen at 04:31 AM on March 03, 2007
I'm ok with a few dead hobos, but messing with a dog . . . that's low.
posted by yerfatma at 09:55 AM on March 03, 2007
Banged Marge Schott regularly throughout the 90's and made Schottzie watch Could have been worse...can you imagine if he had banged Schottzie and made Marge watch? (That might have been a real howl.)
posted by Howard_T at 11:49 AM on March 03, 2007
He mentioned he tried it that way for a couple of months in 1986, but it turned out Marge just wasn't all that offended. You know how these things go.
posted by chicobangs at 01:23 PM on March 03, 2007
True, Holden, but Maddux' ability to stay on track with his cy(rswf/w)+[dh+2sw/cg)] of 1.23 is the best since Phillie Ralph "Fungo " Hobson in 1898.
posted by bobfoot at 08:15 PM on March 03, 2007
bobfoot -- this is true. But if you multiply Maddux's career wins by 2, I think you start to get a sense of the dark forces we are dealing with here.
posted by holden at 09:57 PM on March 03, 2007
The really sick part is, he made Schottzie wear the swastika.
posted by The_Black_Hand at 08:40 AM on March 04, 2007
Oh, thank god... for a second there I thought you said, "schwanzstucker."
posted by The Crafty Sousepaw at 09:21 AM on March 04, 2007
Oh, that too, no doubt. Poor, poor dog.
posted by chicobangs at 11:08 AM on March 04, 2007
Hilarious feature on Wells. All of this for the chance to live off the land and spin entertaining tales about: • Food: "Ostrich was phenomenal. Wart hog is outstanding. … Probably the best animal I had, and it doesn't sound good, was dik-dik. Had dik twice. Very tasty. Very, very tasty. Except zebra. I wouldn't want to eat a zebra."
posted by The Crafty Sousepaw at 12:22 PM on March 07, 2007
I've always liked Wells and got to watch him a bit during his time with the Yanks. A competitor, played hurt, always good for a quote, and he definitely can field his position and is a great athlete. Maddux too, except for the quote thing. Its good to see the old guys can still play. Just like the Mets...