The Hoser's NFL Picks 2009, Week One: NFL picks that are inordinately stoked that the Steelers kept a former CFL player on their roster.
Welcome to Week One of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, just like American Idol, Brett Favre and Newt Gingrich, we’ll never go away.
Speaking of Favre, His Royal Interceptedness now dons the purple finery of the Minnesota Vikings. We don’t want to say Favre has commitment issues, but his career’s been more on-again, off-again than Nina Hartley’s.
The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as tying your romantic future to a bisexual reality TV star.
Tennessee (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH (35) – The Titans have cursed themselves in our eyes by cutting punter A.J. Trepasso. You have a guy who a) scores on a fake punt the first time he touches the ball in a game and b) causes Jerry Jones grief by banging a punt off his new toy – and you let him go? Shame shame. Steelers 20, Titans 13.
Miami (+4) at ATLANTA (43.5) – The Dolphins have been adding owners like crazy. Too bad they haven’t been doing the same with talent. Falcons 23, Dolphins 17.
Kansas City (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37) – If the oddsmakers have the line right on this one, they’re expecting the Chiefs to score 13 or 14 points, and that’s about 13 or 14 more than we figure them for. Ravens 24, Chiefs 7.
Philadelphia (-1.5) at CAROLINA (43.5) – If the Panthers’ game-day operations staff has any guts at all, they’ll have “Who Let The Dogs Out” roaring during the pre-game. Eagles 28, Panthers 20.
Denver (+4) at CINCINNATI (43) – Let the Kyle Orton era begin! Broncos 26, Bengals 21.
Minnesota (-4) at CLEVELAND (39.5) – We wanted to order a unique Brady Quinn Browns jersey, but the NFL said “METROSEXUAL” won’t fit on the back. Vikings 24, Browns 17.
New York Jets (+4.5) at HOUSTON (43.5) – A crisp $20 bill to the first announcer who sees Jets QB Mark Sanchez get up from a sack and refers to him as “dirty.” Jets 23, Texans 21.
Jacksonville (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5) – Word is the Jaguars may be up for sale and on the move. This game won’t help the team’s market value, though. Colts 29, Jaguars 19.
Detroit (+13) at NEW ORLEANS (49) – Poor Drew Stafford. He’s young, good-looking, rich … and he has to play for the Lions. That’s like winning the lottery and having to spend all the money at Wal-Mart. Saints 27, Lions 13.
Dallas (-5.5) at TAMPA BAY (39) – If Cowboys owner Jerry Jones would lift his new scoreboard rig half as far as he’s lifted his face, no punter would ever hit Telemanjaro. Cowboys 23, Buccaneers 20.
San Francisco (+6.5) at ARIZONA (46.5) – Hmmm, the defending NFC champs against a team deciding between Alex Smith and Shaun Hill at quarterback … and only a touchdown? Maybe 49ers head coach Mike Singletary gave Danny Sheridan the evil eye, but then – how could you tell? Cardinals 34, 49ers 14.
Washington (+6.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (37) – The good news for incarcerated wide receiver Plaxico Burress? He’s already used to dealing with Giants in the shower. Giants 24, Redskins 20.
St. Louis (+7.5) at SEATTLE (41.5) – This game should help determine who gets closest to Phoenix’s ass all season in the NFC West. Seahawks 29, Rams 19.
Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY (46) – Best anti-Favre t-shirt to pop up so far? A stylized sketch of him framed by the state of Wisconsin with the words, “We’ll Never Forget You, Brent.” Packers 27, Bears 20.
Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5) – The Bills canned offensive coordinator Turk Schonert just days before the start of the season, and he claimed head coach Dick Jauron said the offensive was too complicated. Given Buffalo averaged just 14 points a contest during the preseason, “complicated” may have been code for “you suck.” Patriots 26, Bills 13.
San Diego (-9.5) at OAKLAND (43) – The Raiders have announced another blockbuster deal with the New England Patriots. This time, Oakland has swapped all future first-round picks in perpetuity for Teddy Bruschi, Steve Grogan and the rights to Methuselah. Chargers 31, Raiders 13.
Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Arizona
Over/Under Good Buys: Arizona/San Fran Over, Baltimore/KC Under
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