February 16, 2008

Another Congressional Committee Gets Into the Act: A brief article on today's sports pages reveals that the House Energy and Commerce Committee is investigating the use of performance enhancing drugs in horse racing. Would anyone care to join me in depicting a hearing where they call the athletes to the witness stand?

posted by Howard_T to navel gazing at 01:36 PM - 28 comments

Chmn Dingle gavels the room to order, and has the clerk administer the oath to The Tin Man. The Tin Man places his left foreleg on the table in front of him and raises his right foreleg. The oath is recited. CHMN DINGLE: Let the record show that after the oath was recited, the witness nodded his head vertically to indicate in the affirmative. CHMN DINGLE: For the record, you are The Tin Man. May I remind you that you are under oath, and you are subject to charges of perjury for failing to tell the truth to this committee. THE TIN MAN: Snorts and nods head vertically. CHMN DINGLE: How many races have you won in your career? THE TIN MAN: Begins stomping on floor with his right foreleg. CHMN DINGLE: In 2006 you won the Arlington Million race, upsetting a heavy favorite for the win. Yet in previous years you had never shown such ability. Further, you were coming back from an injury. Was this win a result of using steroids? THE TIN MAN: Shakes his head emphatically from side to side and whinnys angrily. CHMN DINGLE: You were the second oldest to win the race. How about HGH? Did you use this to help your healing process? LAWYER: Mr. Chairman, we object to the inference that my client is human! CHMN DINGLE: Only the witness is allowed to speak. I will not have my judgement questioned as to what I am addressing.

posted by Howard_T at 01:42 PM on February 16

LAWYER: A horse is a horse! CHMN DINGLE: Of course, of course. I'll go right to the source and ask the horse. LAWYER: He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. He's always on a steady course. People yakity-yak a streak and waste your time of day. But the Tin Man will never speak unless he has something to say. CHMN DINGLE: I'll ask again. Did you, Tin Man, use HGH? LAWYER: A horse is a horse! CHMN DINGLE: Of course, of course! And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse!

posted by BoKnows at 03:16 PM on February 16

Brilliant!

posted by geekyguy at 07:46 PM on February 16

It be-hooves me to say that I think the Congressional committee are chasing after a lost horse, I mean, cause. Neeeeeeiiigh, verily I say into you, this action speaks of foal play. Indeed, what kind of ass would display such enmity to our equine athletes? Shoed we fine them if they are found guilty? Should we strip them of their trophies? Should we put ass-terisks on their records? Insteed, I've been chomping at the bit to propose that we run the good race, stop jockeying for position, be equineimical, and end this sham.

posted by worldcup2002 at 11:18 PM on February 16

Chmn Dingle: I'd like to address some questions to Barbaro's Ghost. Steroids have been show to cause health problems, more specifically problems with bones. Was your broken leg and failure to heal, despite a large amount of effort and medical attention, a side affect of your use of horse steroids?

posted by apoch at 07:26 AM on February 17

Barbaro to Chmn Dingle: Are you going to dig that up NOW? My samples probably have deteriorated and the tests would be inconclusive.

posted by steelergirl at 02:48 PM on February 17

I'm so confused right now.

posted by jerseygirl at 12:28 PM on February 18

I'm so confused right now. You forgot to indicate who said that. Was it the lawyer, Chmn Dingle, or the Tin Man?

posted by BoKnows at 12:34 PM on February 18

Barbaro?

posted by tommytrump at 12:52 PM on February 18

Chmn Dingle: Jerseygirl, I consider your confusion to be totally out of line in this discussion. Either figure it out or move on to the CD Swap thread. Chmn Dingle: Now where were we Bararo?

posted by Folkways at 04:48 PM on February 18

Barbaro: You'll have to excuse my long face on this somber occasion. This is a grave matter. I feel like people have thrown dirt on my reputation. You ask me if I have ever done steroids and I answer you. Neigh Good Sir, Neigh!

posted by apoch at 06:26 PM on February 18

I feel like people have thrown dirt on my reputation. That's not the only thing of Barbaro's that they've thrown dirt on.

posted by Ying Yang Mafia at 06:50 PM on February 18

CHMN DINGLE: This court is out of order! Bailiff please restrain the so called "Ying Yang Mafia".

posted by BoKnows at 07:00 PM on February 18

BALIFF: Alright, punk, you're comin' with me. Shouldn't you be concentrating on homework, or puberty, or something like that? And take off that "Fire Millen" T-shirt! How long's it been since the Wings won the Cup, anyway?

posted by The_Black_Hand at 06:59 AM on February 19

CHMN DINGLE: Cut out the horseplay or I'll have you all kicked out!

posted by worldcup2002 at 05:48 PM on February 19

(Cheers, jeers and even some tears erupt from the back of the courtroom as YYM is removed.) CHMN DINGLE: Due to recent developments, we will have a short grazing....I mean recess.

posted by BoKnows at 06:53 PM on February 19

You mean a short adjourn...agistment?

posted by owlhouse at 09:15 PM on February 19

LAWYER: CHMN DINGLE Sir, please please please cant we go to recess? I love recess. Playing Dodge Ball and Tag are the hoots.

posted by Folkways at 08:34 AM on February 20

The hearing re-convenes after a spirited game of Dodge Ball. The Tin Man's trainer is called to the stand. CHMN DINGLE: Were you aware that a Mr. Oz was administering performance enhancing drugs to The Tin Man? TRAINER: "Oz never did give nothing to The Tin Man that he didn't already have." (Assembled media representatives in the hearing room begin humming the tune.)

posted by Howard_T at 12:39 PM on February 20

CHMN DINGLE: SILENCE! We will have no humming, singing, scratching of fingernails on the chalkboard, or what ever y'all call that. So Oz you say you never did give nothing to The Tin Man that he didn't already have. Well how do you explain the 10 year old cans of 3-in-1 oil the Tin Man kept just in case he ever needed evidence against you? Oz: Oh please Worm (chmn dingles first name) your Honor leave me alone. CHMN DINGLE: If I have to I will tear down this wall.

posted by Folkways at 02:54 PM on February 20

CHMN DINGLE: At this point, The Committee would like to call a secret witness. THE TIN MAN'S LAWYER: Mister Chairman, we object to this witness, as we had no prior notification of his presence. Can we at least get his name? CHMN DINGLE: I can vouch for this witness, as I worked with him in the French Foreign Legion; we spent a considerable amount of time traversing the arid plains of Algeria; while his identity must remain a secret, he is above reproach. THE TIN MAN'S LAWYER: Mister Chairman, while I respect your relationship with the witness, can't you provide us with any more details of your experience? CHMN DINGLE: I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.

posted by The_Black_Hand at 02:58 PM on February 20

I think it's name was Chips Ahoy.

posted by owlhouse at 08:47 PM on February 20

(George Mitchell enters room carrying a large briefacse. Oohs and aahs are heard from the court. The bailiff is following behind and pushing a TV cart to the front of the room.) CHMN DINGLE: You are under oath Mr. Mitchell. Do you understand? GM: Yes, your honor. (He opens the briefcase and pulls out a 800 page novel and a single DVD.) CHMN DINGLE: Bailiff, please dim the lights. (GM places the DVD in the player and presses play. No words are needed. The courtroom is horrified to what is shown on the screen.) LAWYER: Objection! This video is not admisible. CHMN DINGLE: Overruled! Sit down! George, please describe the contents of this video to the panel. .....and.....

posted by BoKnows at 09:13 PM on February 20

If miracle upon miracle I were to have another son I am so naming him Worm Dingle

posted by Folkways at 06:24 AM on February 21

MITCHELL: Ladies and Gentlemen, while it appears that we're looking at the surface of the moon, with the Sea of Tranquility easily visible, I regret to inform you that it's actually a survey film of Roger Clemens' multi-cratered ass cheek.

posted by The_Black_Hand at 03:27 PM on February 21

Everyone: (GASP!) (Men are shielding the eyes of all the women and children in the room.)

posted by BoKnows at 03:35 PM on February 21

Ladies and Gentlemen, while it appears that we're looking at the surface of the moon, with the Sea of Tranquility easily visible, I regret to inform you that it's actually a survey film of Roger Clemens' multi-cratered ass cheek. Amazing how that sentence killed the thread. It appears no one could bare to see Roger Clemens' multi-cratered ass cheek.

posted by Folkways at 07:52 AM on February 24

I'll go again. CHMN DINGLE: Tin Man! Barbaro! Take those blinders off, now! You both will witness the affects of PEDs. LAWYER: Objection! My client is a horse. This is a video of humans. MITCHELL: This video is closest thing we could find to a horse's ass. ROGER CLEMENS: Objection! That's my wife's ass.

posted by BoKnows at 11:44 AM on February 24

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