November 20, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 11: NFL picks that have still never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies.

posted by wfrazerjr to football at 10:38 AM - 8 comments

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 11, where, what the hell -- we're announcing we're in the running for the Republican presidential nomination. We haven't divorced a woman in a hospital, racked up a bunch of sexual harassment settlements or written racial slurs on rocks outside our house, but we'll hope you'll consider us anyway.

The Hoser had a strange week in Week 10, going 10-6 straight up and 8-8 against the spread but nailing both the Lock of the Week (Jacksonville) and the Trifecta (Jags, Texans, Patriots). That means an $820 gain, pushing us up over $4K for the year (fictionally, of course). We're wondering if any of the so-called money touts are 9-1 on the Lock this year. *thumps chest*

As always, remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Ashton Kutcher take over your Twitter feed while you're on vacation.

Editor's Note: You can check back -- we picked the Thursday game correctly on the spread but lost it straight up. Who cares? It's all about the Tebow!

Tennessee (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): Doesn't it seem like Tennessee has only won two games this year? And yet here they are, 5-4 just like Atlanta. Give Mike Munchak a lot of credit. Falcons 26, Titans 17.

Buffalo (+3) at MIAMI (43): Anyone else think the Dolphins might win out? Dolphins 23, Bills 19.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Ray Lewis is out for this game, which means maybe one more scoring opportunity for the Bengals and a better chance to cover this spread. Of course, it also increases the chances of someone being stabbed at the game. Ravens 20, Bengals 17.

Jacksonville (+1) at CLEVELAND (34): The statistical predictors we've seen have this as a tie. We'll give the edge to the Browns because Drew Carey looks like he could suit up for them. Browns 19, Jaguars 16.

Oakland (+2) at MINNESOTA (46): Weird line of the week. Are we missing something? Raiders 27, Vikings 16.

Carolina (+7) at DETROIT (47.5): How bad is the running back situation for the Lions? They just resigned Kevin Smith. He's big and low to the ground, but we don't know how he's gonna run in that trenchcoat. Lions 31, Panthers 17.

Tampa Bay (+14) at GREEN BAY (48.5): The game that sends the Buccaneers' season to Davy Jones' Locker for good. Packers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON (41.5): Anyone else notice how much Mike Shanahan looks like Jeff Dunham's dummy Walter lately? Makes sense -- Walter has Dunham's hand up his ass, and you can bet Shanahan has the entirety of Dan Snyder up his. Cowboys 31, Racists 10.

Arizona (+10.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (40.5): The Cards won't win, but we like the John Skelton mojo. 49ers 24, Cardinals 14.

Seattle (+3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40): Rams 20, Seahawks 16.

San Diego (+3.5) at CHICAGO (45): If the Bears could somehow make Matt Forte the QB of a Tim Tebow-style offense, they'd never lose another game. Bears 24, Chargers 20.

Philadelphia (+6) at NY GIANTS (45): Vick and Maclin are out, and so is any hope in Philly. Giants 27, Eagles 17.

Kansas City (+15) at NEW ENGLAND (46.5): Normally, we wouldn't give two touchdowns, but normally you don't have an NFL team playing like a DIII art school squad. Patriots 34, Chiefs 10.

Lock of the Week: Oakland Trifecta: Oakland, Cincinnati, New York Giants

2011 Week 10 Hoser Picks: Straight Up: 10-6 Against The Spread: 8-8 Lock of the Week: 1-1 Trifecta: 1-1 Money: $+820

2011 Season Hoser Picks Straight Up: 100-47 Against The Spread: 75-70-1 Lock of the Week: 9-1 Trifecta: 23-7 Money: $+4,250

2011 Week 10 Pro-Line: $0 2011 Season Pro-Line: $99 2011 Season Pro-Line: $169 2011 Total: $+80

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:38 AM on November 20

Don't feel bad. I've never seen any of the LOTR, Star Wars, Indy Jones, or Harry Potter movies.

I also have no idea what goes on in fantasy sports or how you play.

I've seen North by Northwest several times, though, and The Green Scarf twice.

Oh, BTW, this past Halloween, Dan Snyder went as Captain Hook.

posted by beaverboard at 12:05 PM on November 20

Is The Green Scarf anything like The Green Door?


posted by wfrazerjr at 03:05 PM on November 20

I am watching Seattle/St. Louis right now and feel like I've fallen into the Twilight Zone.

posted by Joey Michaels at 06:58 PM on November 20

The weird twists continue -- I got my Lock (now 10-1 for the year) and have lost the Trifecta by a half-point on the Bengals, but because of the minor differences between the Vegas odds and Pro-Line in Ontario, I've already cashed one $50 four-team and will pick up another $105 on two more if the Giants can cover the -5.5 against Philly.

Keep your fingers crossed, people!

2011 Week 11 Hoser Picks (Thus Far):
Straight Up: 11-1
Against The Spread: 6-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+340

posted by wfrazerjr at 08:49 PM on November 20

I don't believe Latrell Sprewell ever worked nearly this hard to feed his family.

posted by beaverboard at 09:25 PM on November 20

Dear Eli Manning,

Kiss my ass.

Love, The Hoser

posted by wfrazerjr at 08:19 AM on November 21

Fraze, you still "like the John Skelton mojo" after he threw more interceptions than competions? Do the Cards now have a QB controversy after the backup (Bartel) led them on their only scoring drive?

posted by billsaysthis at 11:51 AM on November 21

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