Recent Comments by cobra!

Lions Center Dominic Raiola Harasses College Band

Getting really hard to be a Lions fan.

And a Nebraska fan.

posted by cobra! at 12:03 PM on October 08

The New Orleans Hornets are changing their names to the Pelicans

And the Lakers back to Minneapolis.

posted by tron7

I used to pine for that, but at this point I'm so deep into a hopeless, codependent relationship with the Timberwolves that I think LA can just keep the name.

posted by cobra! at 11:19 AM on December 05

Bill Belichick

What about Odysseus?

He didn't know a damned thing about special teams.

posted by cobra! at 05:33 PM on January 18

Tebow & Broncos best Roethlisberger & Steelers

I know it's a lot easier to take risks when you're sitting in your own living room, but I was wishing the Steelers would have gone for 2 when they scored the tying touchdown. Sure, you're screwed if you don't get it (although if you trust your defense you'd probably get another shot), but that's probably the game if you convert.

posted by cobra! at 10:21 AM on January 09

Blown Call Helps Lions Defeat Vikings

Slate: reality is now indistinguishable from Tim Tebow fan fiction.

posted by cobra! at 12:42 PM on December 12

Blown Call Helps Lions Defeat Vikings

Glad to see that the Packers look loose at 13-0.

That Packers game was almost sick; that was like watching a guy place a chisel on a huge rock in exactly the right place, tap it once, and walk away nonchalantly as it crumbled to gravel.

posted by cobra! at 11:22 AM on December 12

Green Bay Packers Climb to 12-0

The ending of the game may have been exciting, but the first half was excruciating.

That Vikings/Broncs game was weird. I watched the first quarter and thought it was like a couple of newborns trying to have a fistfight. Went to the grocery store, turned the game back on in the 4th and somehow it'd turned into a thrilling shootout. It's like reality shifted in there somewhere.

posted by cobra! at 10:22 AM on December 06

Green Bay Packers Climb to 12-0

The Packers are my team, and I'm weirdly ambivalent about the undefeated thing. I actually kind of wish they'd have lost really early in the season so there wouldn't be this extra level of worry with each game now.

posted by cobra! at 11:30 AM on December 05

NBA Labor Deal Reached

Yeah, wfrazerjr's caveat notwithstanding, the Adelman hire gives me the first stirrings of optimism for the Timberwolves in a long time, and I've been looking forward to seeing how they develop. The work stoppage was really annoyingly-timed for me.

posted by cobra! at 11:40 AM on November 26

Intruder Defrosts Lobster of White Sox GM

Some dude tried to defrost my lobster and I told him I wasn't really into that, but if I was I'd want dinner and drinks first, bare minimum.

posted by cobra! at 10:52 AM on November 23

New York Times: Paterno's Exit Underway at Penn State

What did he say? Just different iterations of "I don't think this is a big deal?"

posted by cobra! at 02:29 PM on November 08

The Shame of College Sports

I feel like the NCAA's institutional inertia is just an immovable object. I guess if one thing could move it, it'd be improved cashflow.

posted by cobra! at 11:12 AM on September 26

The Shame of College Sports

I'm with TheQatarian on this one -- show me a system that might conceivably in any way be better and not immediately gamed into something even worse than what we're working with now, and I might sign on.

It'll never happen, but I'd like to see the creation of an explicitly professional NFL minor league for 18-23-year-olds, with the for-profit franchises just paying licensing fees to the former D-1 football schools to use their names, colors, and logos. So there'd still be Cornhuskers in Lincoln, they'd still have an affiliation with the University of Nebraska, but there wouldn't be any winking about what was going on with the money.

(in my dream, the Gophers also just shrug, give up, and disband the football program, because let's not shit ourselves about that ever turning around)

posted by cobra! at 10:46 AM on September 26

Sapp: Pittsburgh Steelers 'Old, Slow and Over'

Ever since the 1995 Orange Bowl, Warren Sapp's been a certified expert on slow and over.

(seriously, a bar in the Nebraska town I grew up in had a giant mural of Sapp sitting on the bench with an oxygen mask on while Cornhuskers ran around on the field behind him)

posted by cobra! at 10:08 AM on September 15

Bama Fan Faces 5 Felonies for Tree Poisoning

I bet he drops that line at job interviews when they ask him what his biggest flaw is.

posted by cobra! at 11:09 AM on May 20

Bryant Fined $100,000 for Anti-Gay Slur

Saw on Twitter (originally by some guy named @robdelaney): Kobe called a ref "faggot" last night. Apparently he felt the ref's lifestyle of CONSENSUAL anal sex made him look bad.

posted by cobra! at 10:05 AM on April 14

Tom Jackson Should Stop Talking Now

It's been a while since I've watched ESPN, but I always used to like Tom Jackson, mainly because if he was talking, Berman wasn't. I guess even if this is kind of a jackass move, I'd still rather hear him than Berman.

posted by cobra! at 02:20 PM on January 20

Dallas Cowboys Fire Wade Phillips

I'd add Brad Childress to the list of Peter Principle victims.

posted by cobra! at 10:20 AM on November 09

Timberwolves President: Beasley 'Smoked Too Much Marijuana'

It's been very, very hard trying to maintain my inner illusion that Kahn was a smart guy whose moves would come together into some kind of basketball-sense vindication. I nearly made it a year before I had to admit to myself he's probably even less competent than McHale was.

Being a Wolves fan is a mighty hard dollar.

posted by cobra! at 03:19 PM on July 29

Agent: Why Does Favre Have to Be Such a Drama Queen?

I just assume that it's this year's pretext for skipping camp. Once training camp's done, he'll be fine and ready to play.

posted by cobra! at 12:40 PM on July 23

Nebraska Expected to Leave Big 12

As a longtime Nebraska fan and Big 10 Hater, this overfills the bummer cup. But, really, it's all felt fake since they nixed the Big 8.

I guess seeing the Huskers smear the Gophers on a regular basis would be an upside.

posted by cobra! at 12:26 PM on June 09

Nike Confiscates Tapes of Jordan Crawford Dunking on LeBron James

I first read this as LeBron being dunked on by Joan Crawford and god damn, I wanted to see that video.

posted by cobra! at 10:52 AM on July 09

Page 2's Bill Simmons channels Doc Rivers

Last night, at least, I was really struck by how much the Celts looked like the KG-led, outside-shooting Wolves teams I used to watch fall apart under Flip Saunders in the playoffs every year. So if the Celts do go on to play the Pistons, I'm kind of afraid of some sort of reality-destroying Flip-Saunders-induced feedback loop. Watch out.

posted by cobra! at 12:56 PM on May 15

Kevin Garnett Traded to Celtics

Actually, now that I've had a day to digest, I like the trade a little more. It'll suck not having KG as a Wolf, but I really find myself looking forward to seeing what he can do with legitimate help in the East-- Pierce and Allen are head and shoulders above Sam Cassell and the ghost of Latrell Sprewell, and that combo was enough to get Garnett to the WCF. And on the Wolves side, maybe it's not a disaster. It's a gamble, a huge one, but the truth is that they were going nowhere. It's still hardly a sure thing that they'll go anywhere (and no matter what, I think I'm looking at at least one season where 30 is about as many wins as you can expect from the Wolves), but at least they've taken the big step. One local sportswriter summed it up: maybe it's better to watch a 20-win team with some hope for the future than it is to watch a 30-win team that's doomed for the long term.

posted by cobra! at 11:00 AM on July 31

Kevin Garnett Traded to Celtics

Oh, and it disappoints me to hear that this doesn't look good from the Celtics' perspective, either. I was sort of hoping to balance out the next few years of Wolves suckage by at least getting to watch KG kick some ass in the East.

posted by cobra! at 04:50 PM on July 30

Kevin Garnett Traded to Celtics

There was also some discussion of the Wolves getting the Celtics draft picks for the next hundred years. No, the Curse of Herschel Walker is pretty clear about stating that draft picks are only allowed to hemorrhage out of Minnesota, not in.

posted by cobra! at 04:46 PM on July 30

Kevin Garnett Traded to Celtics

Bad. I guess it's good that the Wolves are getting out of the "we're just one piece away" mentality. But still, I don't think they're getting equal value, and I don't trust McHale to use these new pieces and the draft pick to build anything. Basketball in Minnesota's going to be a drag for a while.

posted by cobra! at 04:39 PM on July 30

Rigid rules devastating quality of NBA.

All I know is "you can't roller skate in a buffalo herd." posted by tommytrump at 8:42 PM CDT on May 16 Nor can you take a shower in a parakeet cage. Or drive around with a tiger in your car. But someone should tell Stern that he can be happy he's a-mind to.

posted by cobra! at 09:25 AM on May 17

Tubby Fills A Gopher Hole...

I'd totally swallowed the "Flip Saunders is coming back" hype, and was excited about it. Felt a little let down when this news came out; but, stepping back, it actually seems surprising that the Gophers could lure a coach with any sort of pedigree who didn't have local ties. I dunno. If nothing else, it's hard not to get behind a guy named Tubby.

posted by cobra! at 08:55 AM on March 23

Timberwolves Fire Coach Dwane Casey.

Unless there's some sort of serious locker-room trouble that we haven't heard about, this is a pretty horseshit firing (although not quite as horseshit as Flip's was). The team's not great, talent-wise, but they're not total washouts-- and things were looking up before this four-game skid. I don't think McHale will be around much longer than the end of this season. Glen Taylor pretty much admitted earlier this year that Fred Hoiberg was being groomed for the GM job. It's tough to say whether Hoiberg would be a good GM (especially if McHale's doing the grooming), but it'd be nice to at least have someone new to bitch about.

posted by cobra! at 07:06 PM on January 23

AI to Denver

If I was KG, I would be ticked off. The one chance for the T'wolves to bring in a player that can make a big enough impact to possibly make a huge playoff/championship run, and Kevin McHale fails, YET AGAIN. According to the (very possibly full of shit) Minneapolis media, the sticking point with the Wolves was that Philly wouldn't consider any deal that didn't include Foye, and McHale refused to put him on the table. I actually think this shows unusual savvy on McHale's part, for once thinking about the mid-to-long term instead of sacrificing everything for right now. I like Iverson, but hate the Nuggets, so I guess at this point I just have to hope that we see a lof of gears grinding into each other.

posted by cobra! at 09:08 AM on December 20

AI to Denver

And thus began the Great Joe Smith Comeback of '07. Just watch as he leads Philly to the promised land.

posted by cobra! at 03:06 PM on December 19

A.I on his way out.

I have been hearing that too, but assumed the price was high and the likelihood of AI being happy in Minnesota was low. I only give it a shred of credence because Robson at City Pages has been one of the talkers, and he usually has some sense (his argument is that KG would be the big draw for AI). But yeah, the price just doesn't seem worth it-- on top of losing Foye, the Wolves would wind up without a bench. And while KG and AI aren't that old, they're old enough that they'd need some support. On the other hand, if losing the bench included Troy Hudson, maybe it would be worth it.

posted by cobra! at 09:43 AM on December 13

A.I on his way out.

It's funny. The local media in Minneapolis are frothing over with talk of Iverson landing here (me? I say it'd be sorta cool, but we'd have to lose the first signs of a nucleus for future growth that the Wolves have shown in a long, long time), but we never get mentioned nationally. I assume I'm just the victim of homeristic sports journalism.

posted by cobra! at 08:49 AM on December 13

Tyson considers fighting women

Yeah, you're friends are no officionado's, man.

posted by cobra! at 01:19 PM on October 17

"Don't be the guy,"

When Childress makes this sort of statement, it's extra-effective because he's a dead ringer for Major Dad.

posted by cobra! at 01:29 PM on October 10

Rick Mirer

Ah, Hostetler. I still vividly remember the sheer unadulterated terror in his eyes every time he lined up under center. The quivering little mustache didn't really help his tough-guy look, either.

posted by cobra! at 08:47 AM on September 12

David Foster Wallace on Roger Federer as religious experience

I'm here for the metaphor, the crucible that hardens men (ooh!) to diamond-like perfection or breaks them on the Todd Marinovich Memorial Anvil. I agree; but in Minneapolis, at least, there are a lot more people who want excruciatingly-detailed examination of every minute aspect of the lives of the rosters of the Twins/Vikings/Wolves/Wild/etc, preferably leavened with some side-splitting pop-culture references. And, sadly, they buy more papers.

posted by cobra! at 10:43 AM on August 22

David Foster Wallace on Roger Federer as religious experience

Hey, that was great. I can read Wallace on tennis all day. Infinite Jest and the two tennis articles in A Supposedly... were the first things that really got me interested in the game.

posted by cobra! at 09:25 AM on August 22

New Cardinal Field Tagged Latest "Wonder of the World"

Very, cery cool. Thanks. It's interesting-- the pics make it look like they'd lose some seating capacity in the opening for the field tray, but 63k is a pretty decent capacity.

posted by cobra! at 09:58 AM on August 17

New Cardinal Field Tagged Latest "Wonder of the World"

Anywhere else we non-Insiders can read about it? Sounds hella cool.

posted by cobra! at 09:09 AM on August 17

Excited Fitzgerald ready to watch Cards rise from ashes

Remind me, how many Denny Green coached teams have made the big dance?? I'm not an immense Denny Green fan, but the '98 Vikings were a field goal away.

posted by cobra! at 04:50 PM on July 25

An American Tragedy: Pat Tillman's Uncertain Death.

Chico like candy?

posted by cobra! at 02:04 PM on July 21

For Some Athletes, Courses With No Classes

I doubt Bonkers likes to be called "Shirley."

posted by cobra! at 09:17 AM on July 14

Herb Brooks makes hockey hall of fame.

Why does everyone (love to) hate Patrick Roy? I know absolutely nothing about hockey, but I've always felt sort of pro-Roy on principle just because Hunter Thompson seemed to like him a lot. Maybe Thompson's not the best guy for me to crib opinions from...

posted by cobra! at 09:11 AM on June 29

Barry Bonds to get an Asterisk in Record Book *

There's no way that Selig or anyone else is going to add an asterix (or anything else) to Barry's record. My respect for Bud Selig would skyrocket if he added Asterix to anybody's record.

posted by cobra! at 02:50 PM on May 25

The losing team

Yeah, and then Jimmy Carter took them out. I don't think that's true... Bob Garfield did a bit for NPR several years ago about raising enough hell with the White House PR office that he got to take his family in and bowl, and that was post-Carter. Maybe Reagan or Bush put 'em back in.

posted by cobra! at 03:02 PM on May 11

Going Long for Jesus

As a Zoroastrian, all I can say is: EEP!

posted by cobra! at 10:50 AM on May 11

Going Long for Jesus

I can say no more.

posted by cobra! at 03:45 PM on May 10

Going Long for Jesus

On preview: Why am I engaging in this conversation? Rick Adelman throws out topics like this to distract us while he works to restablish his empire. He hooked us all.

posted by cobra! at 03:06 PM on May 10

Adelman out in Sacramento after eight seasons

1. Adelman gets this year's Flip Saunders award for getting jobbed after years of doing a lot with a little. 2. He also looks like Hitler.

posted by cobra! at 10:47 AM on May 10

"I hate Kobe Bryant's rotten and derivative soul."

I dont see why most people are Kobe haters. He is the best player by far in the world. He carried that Laker team on his shoulders. He is an inside presence away from winning it all. Imagine this Kobe to KG on the low post. Perfect place for KG to go where he doesnt have to be the go to guy. A) A big, big part of sports fandom is being able to irrationally hate the other guy without there being any real-world consequences. Kobe Bryant's eminently hatable, and getting my hate on for him provides the outlet that (maybe) keeps me from doing a machete rampage through my office. B) If the Wolves were to fuck up and somehow allow KG to go to the Lakers, you would see that machete rampage.

posted by cobra! at 01:40 PM on May 09

What happens when players act as their own agents

Will they rest their hopes on the 37-year old Brad Johnson? posted by bperk at 3:26 PM CST on March 9 My guess, if Culpepper actually leaves: they either draft or try to acquire a young project quarterback, and then try to squeeze a year out of Johnson while the new acquisition matures.

posted by cobra! at 09:13 AM on March 10

How do you score?

Just goes to show being smart means jack Yes. Clearly.

posted by cobra! at 02:03 PM on February 28

Ty Law...Free Agent

In other NFL personnel shuffle news, the Minneapolis paper is reporting that the Vikes are shopping Daunte Culpepper around, looking for a second-round pick in return. There's a fall in status for you.

posted by cobra! at 10:27 AM on February 16

Tainted Steel

My car is made of tainted steel. It smells pretty bad.

posted by cobra! at 03:11 PM on February 14

Reliving near misses

Gary Anderson's first miss of the season for the 1998-99 Vikings.

posted by cobra! at 04:49 PM on February 06

The semi-annual Barry Sanders questions. Why and why not come back?

One of the first football games I ever went to was a Nebraska-Oklahoma State game when Sanders played for OSU. I vaguely remember making a sign about how much he sucked. Which, oops. - As for Emmitt: for me, it's only recently that I've started giving him the respect he deserves. I hated the Cowboys with the hottest passion of any of my sport associations during his prime, so I was pretty blind to how good he was.

posted by cobra! at 03:23 PM on February 02

The Coach as Culture Hero

Blair High School, Blair NE, 1989-93. It wasn't prison, but at the time, it felt like it.

posted by cobra! at 09:57 AM on January 27

The Coach as Culture Hero

Bad Coaches in my high school: 1. I was on the Cross Country team, and our coach wasn't so much bad as half-assed. Dude was very doughy, clearly hadn't run a yard in ten years, and had generated zero respect from the team. Every practice was the same: he'd give us a route to run through town, and would then cruise around in his Camero to check and make sure we were actually running. The Camero always needed a brake job, so you could hear it a couple of miles away and start running whenever you heard it. We got smoked at every meet. 2. I didn't play football, but the football coach also taught several PE classes. He'd hang out in the locker room between periods and take a piss. For some reason, he felt that he couldn't piss in cloths, so he'd strip down to nothing but shoes (well, sometimes he'd keep a football jersey on, but pants/underwear were consistently gone) and parade over to the urinals; once there, he'd make a big production of getting things arranged. It was pretty horrifying. And this same routine went down every period break. He would also chide students who wrapped towels around themselves on the way to the shower: "Don't be ashamed of what God gave you!" He liked to do surprise inspections to make sure everyone was wearing a jock. He once gave a mouthy kid a really creepy lecture about how "I took you up to that weight room and taught you how to be a man... I'll give you teary eyes." Cooooooooooooool guy.

posted by cobra! at 09:19 AM on January 27