December 13, 2007

Could a morbidly obese goalie shut out an NHL team? : In an excerpt from 'Andy Roddick Beat me With a Frying Pan,' Todd Gallagher explores and tests the burning question of if very very large could effectively close off the net.

read story | posted by jmd82 to Hockey at 10:44 AM CDT (21 comments total)

"In other words, had Eddie Gaedel worn a St. Louis Blues uniform rather than one of the St. Louis Browns, his heartwarming story may have instead been a cautionary tale."

Nice.

posted by chris2sy at 11:26 AM CDT on December 13

the answer is NO as the theory has been put to the test on ponds all across
the Frozen zones of the great north since at least my mispent youth mainly
because of two human weakness's 1)When a hard rubber disc is coming at anyone's
head at speed a human of even the most base intellect will move to avoid it.
2) Think about it.

posted by thatch at 12:03 PM CDT on December 13

Just wait until we can genetically engineer people into rectangular shapes.

posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:24 PM CDT on December 13

When can I stop thinking about it?

posted by yerfatma at 12:28 PM CDT on December 13

/Think about it

posted by holden at 1:28 PM CDT on December 13

I decided to continue researching how to ruin pro hockey forever. And no, that doesn't mean seeing if I could get their Versus deal extended.

Excellent.

posted by Ying Yang Mafia at 2:15 PM CDT on December 13

Even in the ridiculous zombified Robert E Hughes scenario there is still plenty of room for a puck to go in. Granted he may exceed the 6 feet that are required to fill a regulation after pads and gloves are factored in, it still wouldn't account for the entire four feet in height. There will still be room under and over the gloves nad between or on either side of the legs. What you need is someone who is six feet wide before the pads are put on. Its really a shame that America hasn't produced a fat fuck big enough to put this asinine theory to test.

posted by HATER 187 at 3:06 PM CDT on December 13

Couldn't you just be 4' wide and 6' tall and lay down?

posted by LionIndex at 3:13 PM CDT on December 13

Didn't Charles Wang sign a sumo wrestler some years back? Seriously -- I think the Islanders had a sumo wrestler on contract for just this reason.

posted by fabulon7 at 4:31 PM CDT on December 13

This could be a challenge on the first episode of The Biggest Loser.

posted by BoKnows at 4:48 PM CDT on December 13

Couldn't you just be 4' wide and 6' tall and lay down?

This would work if you were four feet wide from your head down to your feet. I've had this argument with my hockey hating boss. He seems to think he can make it in the NHL if he loads up on enchiladas and beer until he balloons up to elephantine proportions.

posted by HATER 187 at 5:34 PM CDT on December 13

and after the puck entered the crease everyone would just push you into the net and the line would be exsposed resulting in a goal.

posted by TAZ29 at 6:55 PM CDT on December 13

and after the puck entered the crease everyone would just push you into the net and the line would be exposed resulting in a goal.

Except that's goalie interference and would be called a penalty.

posted by jmd82 at 7:13 PM CDT on December 13

When a hard rubber disc is coming at anyone's
head at speed a human of even the most base intellect will move to avoid it.

I make it a point of avoiding anything described as hard that has a notion of coming at my head. And that is as base as my intellect gets.

posted by THX-1138 at 9:17 PM CDT on December 13

There was a great line in one of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books about the impact of genetic modifications on sport in parallel universes. I don't have the books in front of me and can't seem to find it online, but it went something like: "The Scottish football team for example engineered a goalkeeper who was just an eight foot by twenty-four foot piece of flesh. They still failed to qualify for the World Cup."

posted by JJ at 5:19 AM CDT on December 14

Hmm...what about moderatly obese conjoined twins??

posted by Hannibal at 8:56 AM CDT on December 14

Hmm...what about moderatly obese conjoined twins??

I guess then you could only have 4 skaters.

And there would be 2 five holes.

posted by BoKnows at 8:59 AM CDT on December 14

"and after the puck entered the crease everyone would just push you into the net and the line would be exsposed resulting in a goal."

Depends on what crease it entered. If it was a crease in his knee, then they probably wouldn't be able to push it in the net. However, they might be able to push a crease in his arm fat in. It is conceivable that it would take several minutes to retrieve a puck from fate creases. The game could go on for hours.

posted by MattC at 9:26 AM CDT on December 14

And there would be 2 five holes.

Actually, I think there'd be three.

posted by tahoemoj at 2:03 PM CDT on December 14

And there would be 2 five holes.

Actually, I think there'd be three.

You both have spent too much thought on this. I ask that you stay away from my head.